The Truth About What To Do With Different Libido In A Relationship
Does your partner have a low libido? Here is the truth about what to do with sexual desire differences in a relationship.
In this episode, you will learn the common issue of desire discrepancy in relationships, what the dual control model is why it matters in your dynamic, and three key strategies to shift into a relationship filled with desire. Kirsten emphasizes the importance of removing obstacles to desire and offers practical, actionable advice for both you and your girl to create a flourishing sexual and intimate relationship.
Whether you are crave connection in your relationship or are ready to understand the science of sexuality better, this episode has something for you. Don’t miss it!
Key Topics:
00:00 Introduction to Sexual Desire Discrepancy
00:57 Understanding the Dual Control Model
02:06 The Role of Brakes in Sexual Desire
04:52 Accelerators and Sensitivity Levels
10:10 Practical Tips to Enhance Desire
11:02 The Importance of Emotional Connection
12:07 Addressing Body Image and Energy Cycles
15:29 Shared Responsibility in Building Desire
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Episode Insight
In today's fast-paced world, low desire and desire discrepancies are two of the most common issues couples face, leading many to seek sex therapy. Unraveling these complexities is essential to building deep connections and achieving sexual mastery, and today, we’re diving into why your partner might not have the same level of sexual desire as you and what you can do about it.
The Dual Control Model: Your Sexual Response System
To truly understand sexual desire, envision your sexual response system as a car equipped with both a gas pedal and brakes. Known as the dual control model, this analogy likens sexual excitation to the accelerator, which responds to enticing stimuli such as touch, fantasies, or a lingering look from your partner. On the other hand, the brakes—your sexual inhibition system—are tasked with detecting threats or turn-offs, such as stress, relationship conflict, or body image concerns. These brakes are protective, preventing arousal in situations like business meetings or when unexpected interruptions occur. There are two types of brakes: those triggered by external threats, like fear of STIs or unwanted pregnancy, and internal fears, such as performance anxiety.
Understanding Sensitivity: What Drives and Halts Desire
It's crucial to recognize that everyone has different sensitivity levels to these accelerators and brakes. Some might easily be turned on by simple hints of sexiness, while others are quickly turned off by minor stressors. Identifying your and your partner’s unique patterns in this dual control model can be transformative.
The Key: Addressing Brakes Rather Than Slamming the Accelerator
Building desire isn't just about adding more sexy stimuli; it's about minimizing what's hitting the brakes. If your partner exhibits lower sexual desire, it might be time to examine what's applying the brakes too hard. Initiate a dialogue with your partner to explore these dynamics and understand each other better.
Tools for Change: Strategies to Free the Brakes
1. Lighten the Mental Load: Alleviate your partner’s stress by helping with household chores or planning. Simple actions like replacing the toilet paper before being asked can demonstrate your support and soften stress-induced brakes.
2. Foster Emotional Connection: Emotional safety and connection are foundational. Remember, foreplay starts after your last sexual encounter. Engage in genuine conversations and share supportive gestures throughout the day.
3. Embrace Body Positivity: Encourage a positive body image by appreciating your partner's body as it is. Uplifting comments can inspire self-care more than pointing out flaws.
4. Honor Energy Cycles: Be mindful of when your partner feels most energetic or aroused, and plan intimacy around these times. Avoid initiating when exhaustion is setting in.
5. Practice Patience: Shift from daily routine to intimacy with buffer activities like showers or cuddling. This transition allows a soft release of daily stress, inviting new, intimate experiences.
Beyond the Techniques: Mutual Responsibility in Desire
Both partners have roles in navigating sexual desire. Encourage your partner to explore their own self-talk about intimacy, overcoming internalized negative messages, and discovering how to reach pleasure independently. This shared journey fosters mutual understanding. Remember, these lifestyle adjustments aim to create an environment where desire and pleasure can flourish naturally. If the journey to reducing breaks seems daunting, know that the payoff is a deeper, more fulfilling, intimate connection.
Let this be the start of a transformative journey for you and your partner. Share these insights, embrace the dialogue, and build an environment where desire and pleasure coexist harmoniously. Until next time, this is Kirsten—let’s ignite desire thoughtfully and collaboratively. If you found this post insightful, consider subscribing for more discussions around intimacy and connection.