Building Sexual Confidence: How to Get It and Keep It
In this episode, Kirsten shared 6 ways for you to build sexual confidence so that you can enjoy your sexual experiences and your life even more!
Whether you are tired of feeling self-conscious about your performance during sex or you are looking for ways to enjoy sex even more…this episode has something for you. Be ready to explore your sexual expression and body image, mindset on sexuality and so much more. Its time to be confident and get some!
Key Topics:
Identifying your sexual confidence blocks
How to adapt a mindset of curiosity in sexual experiences.
The struggle of men with body image and the need for body positivity.
6 ways to boost your sexual confidence and have epic sex.
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Podcast Transcript
You guys, we are about to talk about what could be. The single most important tool for having great sex and intimacy. And in order to do that, I have a really important question to ask you.
If you could rate. Your level of sexual confidence on a one to 10 scale. What would you rate yourself? Let's go give it to me. Say that number out loud. Write it down. How would you rate yourself? Because how confident you feel is directly impacting your capacity to have deep and meaningful sex? It really is.
And it could directly impact. How much you can enjoy sex, how much you can let go of those fearful negative thoughts and actually be present to the ethics sensations of pleasure. And building confidence in your sex life is actually going to trickle over into the rest of your life. So if [00:01:00] you feel really confident in your sex, you're going to feel really confident in your life and vice versa.
And this episode, we are going to cover six ways to build your sexual confidence so that you can step into your relationship or your next intimate encounter, knowing that you are amazing. And you're about to have wild, deep. Passionate. Loving and. And a fun fucking time.
Okay. The next time you got to have sex, that's what's going to be happening here. All right. You guys. Let's get some.
[00:02:00] Now first of all, let's get really clear on what it actually means to have sexual confidence. I think it's important for us to understand that, right? So sexual confidence is really. Ultimately the value that you give yourself as a sexual central being. It's about feeling comfortable with yourself. With your body and the type of sexual encounter or intimate experience that you enjoy. I like to think of this, like you're a musician and you're about to step on stage. You're like. Mick Jagger from the rolling stones. Really Ryanna alright. Coming out hot at the Superbowl. Okay. You're like
john Mayer about to serenaded entire arena, full of women, right? And here's [00:03:00] the thing is putting yourself into the mind of one of those incredibly successful musicians. You know, you're good at your skill. There's no doubt. That you're good at your skill. Your there's no doubt that you can play the guitar that you can sing all those things,
you know that you have something that others don't. You know that there's an aspect of you that is totally different, which is why someone is there to be with you.
You believe in yourself. And I think most importantly, You have this relaxed knowing in your abilities, like questioning yourself, isn't even a thought. If one of these artists stepped on stage and was standing there I don't know if I'm going to be able to do this. We would see that.
And sure. Of course everyone has moments. We're all humans. We all have doubts, but it's like you step up into those places when, you know, without a doubt that you are amazing. It's going to show through and people are going to feel that. And they're going to relax into that too. So how do we do that in our sex [00:04:00] life?
The next time you step up on your sexual stage.
I'm going to be real with you. There is no instant fix. There's no. Immediate thing that is just going to flip the script for you.
But there are things that you can start doing that will over time when thousand percent do that.
And the thing is that everyone is going to be self-conscious for different reasons. We're all going to have low confidence levels for a unique reason that's specific to us, right? Like it could be. Having low confidence in being able to last long enough, it could be. Being self-conscious in taking the lead and being assertive and being dominant.
It could be. Not thinking that you have the capacity to fully pleasure your partner in the way that you think that you're supposed to, or that you think that she wants or. You know, it could also be in how your body looks you could be. Self-conscious about your physicality. And that comes into the scene [00:05:00] when you're getting naked with somebody.
So first. Pause and figure out for you. What is the main corporate that drags down your confidence? What is it that's stopping you from being maximum 10 out of 10 on that confidence scale? I'm like, really be honest with yourself. I'll be totally transparent with you guys. For me, this really used to be. That I didn't know what I wanted.
And that left me feeling really meek about how to engage and the guys are so great. You're always like, what do you want? What do you want? And in those moments, I'd be like, I don't know. I don't know. And then I would get really uncomfortable and. That left me feeling like not confident in myself, not confident. In my. Sexual in my sexual expression.
Like I just felt instead of stepping forward and being open, I wanted to hide and contract in those moments. And so I really had to work on figuring out what it was that I wanted so that I could feel better. [00:06:00] In those sexual experiences.
Because what I've really come to recognize in my process of becoming more confident and comfortable. In my. Sexual confidence in my sexuality. You know, Because one, like what I've, because what I've really found in my progress of becoming more confident, sexually is that. When you can begin to really trust yourself. You don't have to be prepared.
You don't have to think things over. You don't have to worry. You don't have to be full of anxiety because you trust yourself.
There's almost, it's almost there's this other part of you or you think to yourself? Oh, that part of me has got this. I don't have to worry. That's what this is, this episode's all about. We're going to figure out how to generate more trust in yourself. Generate more confidence in yourself and. This isn't refined to someone who's. Out looking for a new person to sleep with.
You can totally build your [00:07:00] sexual confidence when you're in a relationship. And that's one of the coolest things, because you're consistently with a partner, so you can practice and you can iterate and you can explore, and you can do all of the things that we're about to get into in a relationship.
And just because you're in a relationship, doesn't mean I think sometimes people think, oh, I'm in a relationship. I have someone, therefore I don't need to work on this. Or. I don't need to be worried about it or something like that. So we get a little bit complacent, right? In those spaces. You're like, oh, I got my person.
It's whatever. I don't need to worry, but no, like you should want more for yourself. You should want more for your sexual experiences. And unless you're already at a 10 out of 10 I couldn't be more confident in my sexual capacity. Actually, I don't even care. Even if you are a 10 out of 10 or about to get into is so important. For getting you into a 20 out of 10 whatever.
Fuck it. Let's have like better than 20, 20 vision. You guys let's. Let's. Microscopes on our eyeballs naturally. [00:08:00] Okay. So let's explore how to step into building more confidence. The first thing that I want to impress upon you is the power of training for better sex. I am constantly amazed. At the more and more I study sexuality and connection and relationships.
The more I find that we truly completely take standard rules of life, standard practices of life and every other facet of existence. And we throw those rules out the window when it comes to sex and intimacy. It's just mind boggling to me, right? If you want to get better. At guitar, you practice guitar.
If you want to get better. At public speaking, you speak in front of people. If you want to , write a book and become a better writer. You write every day and that is the exact same truth for sex. If you want to become better at sex, if you want to become more confident. Sexually. You train you practice. And a handful of [00:09:00] the episodes so far have been so key and shared a ton of insight. On how it to train for better sex. And I think the first and most important piece of this is like how valuable masturbation is in order to build yourself sexual self-confidence.
You're going to understand yourself better. You're going to know what you want more. You're going to be more comfortable with your body. You're going to have spent so much more time. You put in the reps you put in the hours. And being sexual with yourself. And. I won't get into the depths of all of those practices, but if you want to pause, cause you're like, damn, I haven't been practicing.
I haven't been training. Actually go check out the second episode of this entire show. It's about four tantric practices to really. Improve your sex life. If you think you can just show up on game day. To dominate your you're sorely mistaken, bro. Not you're not going to walk home without Heisman trophy.
You aren't getting an Oscar. [00:10:00] On your performance. Okay. We have to train, we have to practice. So start to incorporate a self-pleasure practice into your life or start doing some of the practices like guided breath work, like perennial holds, or even. This is the freaking beauty of all of this is that you can literally do. These practices during your daily life. Every moment. Is an opportunity. To improve your sexual performance to improve your sexual confidence to improve. Your sexual exploration as an human being.
And what I mean by that is If you're driving in your car. Do some premium holds. If you're in between meetings at your desk. Do a little breath work breathing in and out of your cock. Like you can do all of these things at any point in time and the fun kind of game of it all is. You can do this in front of people.
You could be on a date. And be trading, right? You could be at the grocery store. You could be anywhere out in the world. And no one will [00:11:00] know. In that moment that you're actually just becoming better and better at sex and how freaking fun and sneaky and secretive is that I think it's just a really fun way to engage with the world also.
So have fun training. To become better at sex. And I promise you that is going to build your sexual confidence because when it comes down to that moment of being intimate with someone, you will have. Without a doubt, knowing I have been training for this moment. Boom baby. Okay. So the second thing is to get really clear on what your sexual preferences are. Knowledge is king.
Okay. And it's like in sales. I like to think about this, that a confused mind, never buys. Like a confused mind will never buy something. The more clear and the more sure you are, the more clarity that you have about what you want, the easier it is to communicate that to somebody else. First of all, and also the easier it is for you to know within yourself. [00:12:00] What is a yes.
What is a no, what do you want, what do you not want? Where you going, where you not going and that clarity. Ooh, that creates so much more internal confidence within yourself and so much more confidence for the world to witness. It's again, we, you go into a store and you're looking at all of the electronic gadgets and you're like, I don't know which iPhone I want to buy.
I'm not really sure does. I don't know, maybe this, maybe that maybe this, maybe that's going to look like a very different buyer than someone who comes in and they walk up to this sells. Wrap and they say, I would like to buy the iPhone XSE. Thank you very much. I'll be getting it in black and ILO.
Be paying now. Like totally different experience and knots kind of weave through to look at it. What could be true for sex too? And he, you guys, we want your girl to be buying from you. Okay. We want her. Buying she is pulling out that credit card she's wired, transferring into Yurik hell. She's getting that.
Cashier's [00:13:00] check. Like she's opening.
And she's refinancing the mortgage on her house, like whatever to buy from you. Okay. In order to figure this out, start asking your questions. What gets you turned on? What do you desire? What do you really like? And actually take a moment. In your mind right now. And think of three things that fit this description that fit. What turns you on what you desire and what you like. And before I let you get too far out of yourself. I want you to make these three things about you.
About receiving.
Not about pleasing your partner, not about making her feel good. This is about you and what you want to receive.
So maybe. Jot those things down. Maybe pause this for a moment. Write them down, actually, truly think about it. Give yourself this moment to [00:14:00] actually think about. What you really want.
Because I think. As a woman, I'll share this, you know, a lot of the times when I've been with a partner and I ask what turns you on, what do you want? And their response is for you to feel good. And that's so beautiful. And at the same time, it's really. It's really hard to receive that because if you're with someone that really cares about you, they're going to want to make you feel good. And they're going to want to put you. As a focal point of their sexual experience as well.
So if you can say, Hey. You know that I love. You feeling good? That is such a turn-on for me. That is what I really desire. If you're asking what would feel really good for me to receive? It's this. I love. A blow job before we have psych, whatever it is, like start thinking about what the things could [00:15:00] be. And communicating that.
Is going to make you feel really confident and clear on what you like sexually and also feel really clear and confident for your partner or partners. Okay. Next step in becoming more sexually confident. Is to take. On the mindset of curiosity. So instead of stepping in thinking you have to already be a master. Step in with a curious mind, you know, I was listening to an interview the other day.
And these two men were talking about actually using, they use Joe Rogan as an example of this. Joe Rogan is an amazing interviewer. I mean, he has the top podcast in the world. He.
Has. Had some of the biggest names in the world on his podcast. I don't think he's successful in his interviewing capacity because he comes in and he knows everything about everything. No, he's not a [00:16:00] master in everything, but what he is a not master at is coming in with curiosity coming in. Without the. Fear of asking a simple question. And I think because of that,
he is confident because of that he is accessible.
So how can you come into a situation? And own that you aren't a master. And say, Hey, let's try this. Let's explore this. I think that there's so much more confidence. And in that then pretending to know when you don't. Like owning. What's true. Being like, Hey, I've never tried this. Let's go there together. Owning that and coming with it, curiosity.
And I think what's really interesting about this is that. When you can externalize and experience. This is actually something that a lot of This is a concept that is really important in a therapeutic realm, but it's also something that a lot of athletes do, externalizing themselves, externalizing the [00:17:00] experience because when you can externalize something and look at it from the outside In, you can explore to understand it in a more accessible way and you can approach. You know, let's say a position or a kink that you're curious about or a person. With more curiosity. That will remove the pressure from you. So it's almost like you're looking down onto a scene or down onto an experience and evaluating it and exploring it.
When you're kind of a little bit more removed from it.
And I think that This is such, there's just such a level of sexiness and basically being so comfortable in who you are. That you aren't afraid to let it be known that you don't know something. If I was to walk into a room and there was one man, who's standing there. Being like, I know this and I know that, and I know everything when really, maybe they don't and they're afraid to be. Known. Versus a man who walks into the room and as. Sitting there. Confidently clearly saying, Hey. Can you explain [00:18:00] that to me a little bit more.
I'm trying to figure out how that works. Whew that like that to me is just way more sexier and real than someone pretending to blow, smoke up everybody when they aren't really aware of what's actually going on. Step into your sexuality. Step into sexual exploration. Step into a sexual experience with someone with a deep level of curiosity where you've externalized the process.
And you're looking down upon it as something to explore together. Whew like that is going to help you. And your partner. Okay. Next up.
We're going to work on. Self-acceptance. And particularly in this moment, I want to talk about. Accepting and loving your body. And this is something that I actually feel kind of passionate about as I was thinking about this today, before I recorded this episode, as I'm in here, I'm like, wow, I actually really care about this.
You know, there's so much dialogue and so much content and [00:19:00] so much information about supporting women and feeling really. Happy and healthy and accepting of their bodies. And I have yet to really see that publicly for men. Truly. I was doing some research and I saw that there was a 20, 22 study found that 30 to 40% of men are anxious about their weight. And actually the journal of men's health came out with a study that showed that up to 85% of men are dissatisfied with their muscularity.
So your muscle mass. And. I just think that there's.
There's a isolation that happens from the dialogue surrounding body positivity, you know?
You will never. Do you know, riddle me this the day that some man is on the cover of men's health. And he's got a dad bod, or maybe he's got a belly it's like hanging over like that. Like I just, the day that happens, someone come find me and I'll give you a hundred dollars [00:20:00] because. I just don't ever see that happening.
And it's such, it's just such the opposite right now of. Of. On the cover of Cosmo on the cover of Vogue, unlike every single female focused magazine. There's plus sized women.
And you just don't see that for men. Like I have yet to see a plus size man on the cover. Of any male magazine. Maybe even any magazine in general, right? It just isn't the case. And I think. There's this kind of dismissal of. Male. Self-consciousness about body acceptance and body positivity.
And I want to shed light on the reality of that. So if you're sitting here being like, damn, I'm not completely satisfied with how my body looks.
I know, it's really cliche to say, but like you aren't alone in that. 85% of men are dissatisfied with how much muscle they have on their body. Like holy shit. That's a lot. So I just, I think. Really [00:21:00] practicing.
Loving who you are and loving what you love about yourself. And. This could be truly, actually, this could be a whole episode in and of itself, but one of the easiest things to start doing is to focus on the parts of your body that you actually really like about yourself. Can you find one thing about your body that you really like?
Maybe it's the color of your eyes. Maybe it's that you have these like really mainly hands, maybe it's that. We have nice calves. Maybe you have a really beautiful deck. Maybe you have nice collarbones. Maybe you have really defined shoulders, like whatever it is, find that one part of your body that you like about yourself. Every single day. And start there.
And.
Fucking go outside and yell at the top of your lungs. What you love about yourself? I'm just going to say that Announce it to the world. Let everybody know.
I also think. You got to hang out naked. Okay. Look, this podcast is called the naked connection for a reason. [00:22:00] Okay. We are getting naked. Physically, emotionally vulnerable.
Really
truly hang out naked because if you're only ever naked, when you're about to have sex with someone, it's going to feel weird and awkward because you're just not used to it. When you get out of the shower, like chill for a little bit. If you don't, if this is something that's really foreign to you. Make it a practice. Once a week. Be naked for an hour.
Boom. Once a day. Being naked for 10 minutes, walk around your room, walk around your house, walk into the backyard and yell. What do you love about yourself? Scare the shit out of your neighbors. Okay. Enjoy that. It's so fun. And I think the more that you can become comfortable in your body, the more that you'll be comfortable. In your body with another person. You know, I won't lie.
This is something that is always comes naturally to me, like my family always jokes because I'm basically, as a kid just wanted to be naked. And as an I was a swimmer and summers were pretty much [00:23:00] naked, basically all the times there were just really, I just grew up feeling really comfortable being. Not in a lot of clothes.
And so now for me being naked in front of a partner or in front of a new partner, I don't feel weird in the slightest way about it. And it feels really good to not feel that way. And I think that people notice. You know, I think. You guys pick up so quickly oh, like this girl is hiding her body.
Oh, I just turn the lights on. And she put her shirt on as quickly as possible. That's not really sexy. You know, if someone wants to only say with you with the lights off come on, we're missing out on some really beautiful visual cues here. And you probably think to yourself damn this girl's beautiful. But like she wants the lights off.
And so I don't really get to see her. The same could be true for you. You could be with a girl and she's oh my God, he's so hot. And the self-confidence is stopping you from allowing that experience to unfold. So hang out naked. Have a cup of coffee with your Dick out, read a [00:24:00] book on your porch with your buns in the sky.
Or just hanging out in your room for a little bit, stand in your closet one minute longer naked than you normally do, and just see what happens. Okay.
I think also looking at sexual confidence, it has so much to do with self-expression. This is the other point that I want to raise awareness to is. Sachs's such a expression of who you are. And so having the confidence to really be self-expressed is so important. So we can look at this from a couple of different ways.
One is. Are you able to communicate what you really want is so can you express yourself? Can you communicate and express what it is that you want. So now that you know what you want. Now that you know, what's going to please, you. Can you say it out loud? I always say, if you can't say it, you shouldn't do it.
Okay. If you can't talk about it, you shouldn't be doing it. That's how I gauge things. , if I can't sit down with someone and say, Hey, this is what I want. I don't think I should be doing it. This could look like communicating your desires. It can also look like [00:25:00] communicating your boundaries. What you are, and aren't okay with.
So can you express yourself to whoever it is that you're being sexual with? And. You know, going back to that instead of asking her, what do you want? Look at her and share exactly what you want. That's bold of you and it's highly attractive for your partner to receive. Okay. Look her in the eyes and say, Hey. This is what I want.
And then also I think in terms of self-expression. Are you comfortable expressing yourself fully in a sexual experience? Are you inviting in sound? Are you inviting him movement? Are you inviting in emotions within your sexual practice, within your sexual experiences? Because. , This is one really important thing for anyone that's interested in exploring tantric sex. One of the first things that I really learned about tantric sex is that. Before you can have tantric sex, you have to have holistic sex. And holistic Sachs is really. [00:26:00] Inviting in every aspect of who you are into a sexual experience. So inviting and every emotion. Have you ever invited in sadness into a sexual experience?
Have you , ever invited an anger? To sexual experience. Have you invited playfulness and laughter and silliness into Zach's. Because until you've really had. The capacity to experience all of that sexually. It's hard to step into a two truly tantric experience and. You know, this is making me think about. I had a partner who just, , there was like not really a lot of silliness in sacks and you know how, like funny things just happen.
Okay. Weird. Sounds come out. Like I hold that. I'll never forget. I went to. One of my partners. Sometimes you ever get that experience where like when your chests come together and if they pull apart, there's [00:27:00] almost like a suctioning noise. And it just sounds your body is basically just farted together because it's like up. Of the air.
And how can you not laugh at that? How could you not laugh at that? And he never left and I would be sitting there like giggling, cause I'm like, I can't stay serious. I can't stay in deep sexual mode when this noise is happening and I'm going to laugh about it because first of all, it's funny.
And second of all, I'm not going to pretend like that. Didn't just happen. And. That is just such a reminder to me of how important and valuable it is to allow in whatever is actually true. Whatever is actually happening. Laugh about it. Google about it live in it. And the more that you can do that. The more that you can step into deeper sexual experiences, like a tantric experience.
For example, if that's something that you desire. , I have had some of the best sexual experiences when I've been in the midst of literally crying. I know, it sounds weird. But it's [00:28:00] true. Some of the best. Moments I've ever had, have been when I was deeply allowing in my emotions to be present. So consider how you're expressing yourself. Communicating, what you want, communicating your needs, communicating your boundaries, your limits, your desires, all of that.
And then also. Expressing yourself in the moment in the experience. And then the last piece of this that I want to share. In order to build sexual confidence. Is actually preparing for the worst. Sex is such a common place. For confidence to be sucked out in any moment. There are way too many factors at play
for each sexual experience that you have to go perfectly. A huge part of being sexually confident is really about being ready to react. When things don't go as planned. [00:29:00] So can you take some time to think about. Some sexual obstacles that might come up, right? Like not getting hard right away. Maybe spilling the bottle of lube all over the bed, maybe. Like you're you accidentally elbow your partner in the face.
Okay. You're trying to move positions and bam.
Elbow to the face. Imagining these things. So that when they happen, because they probably will, you know, This shit's going to happen and thinking about, okay, if that happens, how am I going to respond? Because the more prepared you are for those moments, the easier it is to react. And to continue on you could almost turn some of these pieces into a really beautiful part of the sexual experience.
Maybe you don't get hard right away. Now that might mean you can just turn towards her and please her or connect with her or. Maybe [00:30:00] invite her to. Touch you in a way that, you know, will get you. Hardened aroused or, , if you spill that bottle of lube all over the bed, maybe you can find a way to gracefully rule her entire body in the loop.
How can you turn this into a fun experience. How can you turn this into a deeper experience into a more pleasurable experience? Regardless of what is going to happen. So we're prepared for the worst. We're expecting the best. And it's going to happen because when you are sexually confident, It doesn't matter where you are, what's going to happen. It's going to be great.
You're going to have a better time than you would have if you were self-conscious. If you didn't feel. Able to be self-expressed if you didn't feel good about yourself, if you didn't feel good about your sexual skills. So start implementing all of these things, you guys right now. And even if you just pick one that we talked about today hell yeah, because. That's going to help you massively.
Being sexually confident is truly one of the greatest gifts that you can give [00:31:00] yourself and that you can really give the world.
I'm just going to get deep with that for a sec, because.
Part of the reason why I started this podcast is because I really truly believe without a doubt in my mind that if. If you amazing men were having even better sex than you are right now. God. The world would be a different place. Just think about it. If everyone in this world. Was sexually confident. Oh,
What would that be like to experience I'm really excited.
To hear how this goes. Let me know. I'm so excited for what's unfolding in their show. You guys, you truly mean the world to me. And I just could not be more grateful for you and I truly You make my heart expand, just knowing that you're here and that you care and that you want to have a better sex life.
I. Fuck. Yeah. All right, you guys until next time. Huh. [00:32:00] Let's get some.