Why Your Girl Has a Dirty Fantasy. Do This Now!
We all have secret fantasies. What do you do when your girl has a dirty fantasy she wants to play out?
In this episode, we walk through the steps to exploring a kinky fantasy with your girl with how to navigate the conversation, successfully execute the fantasy with success and explore the underlying desire the kink is actually fullfilling.
If you are feeling uncomfortable with your desires, tune in to learn some of the deeper reasons that drive fantasies and kinks. Let’s get some!
Key Topics:
00:00 Introduction to Fantasies
00:24 Why Fantasies Are Hard to Share
00:46 Welcome to The Naked Connection
01:06 Personal Journey and Podcast Anniversary
02:45 Common Fantasies and Their Challenges
04:44 Exploring a Rape Fantasy
07:34 Understanding the Psychology Behind Fantasies
16:04 Setting Boundaries and Safe Words
21:28 Communicating and Respecting Limits
26:15 Final Thoughts and Encouragement
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:00]
We all have fantasies. So take a moment and bring to light a fantasy that you have right now. What is the one thing that you really want to experience or explore? Maybe it's an image is beginning to come to mind. Maybe you're feeling excited in your body as you think about this. And notice. What comes up? Why is it so hard to talk about what we really deeply. Want and why can it be such a struggle to actually be able to explore and experience the fantasies that we have?
And this episode, we are going to cover all things, fantasies
And particularly how to navigate when you're a girl has a fantasy to explore.
Welcome back to the naked connection. This is the show that supports driven men to reach a sexual mastery and build deep connections. It's your girl Kiersten your soon to be licensed therapist. And in this episode, we are really diving into all things [00:01:00] fantasies.
And this episode is really special to me, particularly because. It's really incredible, but this show, the naked connection has been going on for an entire year. This is our one-year anniversary. So happy to be here with you. My beautiful, beautiful men. This has been a fantasy that I've had for a really long time.
I wanted to have a podcast. I wanted to step into this space of really connecting with men like you and. It lived as a fantasy in my mind for a really long time.
And while this isn't necessarily a sexual fantasy, it's a fantasy that I had and a desire that I had and something that I had to bridge the gap between. Wanting and creating and living. So I thought. It had to be on the one-year anniversary of our time together that we step into exploring fantasies and, You probably have some fantasy that you feel like there is no way you would ever [00:02:00] ask or share. And when I thought about starting this podcast at first, I was like, there's no way. That I can tell my family that this is what I want to do.
There's no way that I could tell. The world that I am wanting to become a sex therapist and that I want to have this space where I can have these really intricate conversations and talk about taboo. Things that people think are taboo, but maybe they really aren't. And so. It was a lot. And at first I was worried that I wouldn't be able to actually experience stepping into it or even talking about it.
So I think that if you have a desire, And you're worried about what your partner might think. If you actually share it, or you might even be judging yourself about. Why I even have this fantasy. I think there's a few reasons why this comes up, right. We're afraid of being rejected. That if we share what we really want, the person that we tell that to might not want to be with us anymore. I think we're also afraid of what other people are gonna think of us, right?
Like if they know what we [00:03:00] really want, they might look at us differently. Maybe you have a desire that you want to play out with your girl, and you're worried that she'll leave you or she'll judge you if she actually knows what it is that you really want to explore. And you can never undo what you've shared. You can't pull that back in. You can't control. Delete that statement. I think also we're afraid to admit to ourselves what we really want. It's basically an idea of being super afraid of who we are and what we want.
It's like that big five letter word shame. Seeps its way into our fantasies and our desires.
And yeah, some fantasies might be more taboo than others, right? Like a fantasy of.
Let's say meaning of beautiful person in a hotel lobby and getting a room together and going up and having wild, passionate sex with a stranger. That might seem pretty vanilla or mainstream, like grocery store erotica.
Some are a little more challenging. Maybe you have a desire to [00:04:00] explore. Being peed on. Maybe you have a fantasy about.
Feet, maybe you have a fantasy too. Be pegged, right? Like, oh, there's so many different things. That might feel even harder to explore. There's this hierarchy of fantasies that are acceptable and that are looked at differently. And I was actually talking to a listener the other day and he shared that. His girl that he has been currently with, she revealed to him. That she has this rape kink. And he has no idea how to move forward with her physically. And whether he should even explore that. So in this episode, I'm going to use this. Nan's example. Of exploring a rape fantasy. As a conduit for how we can explore any fantasy that we have. And interestingly, as I was exploring this, I [00:05:00] found out that actually rape fantasies are one of the most common fantasies that women have. There is a pub med study that found that 62% of women have this fantasy.
And. Out of these women who had this fantasy, 14% of them also reported that they had this fantasy at least once a week. This was not a one-off thought this was a recurring fantasy that arose in their life. So what do you do if you're a girl wants a fantasy? Like a rape kink that you may or may not be down with.
Well, first. You want to understand why this is something that she wants? So, if there is judgment, you can understand more why this is enticing to her. I think sometimes we understand why someone wants what they want. It makes it easier to understand it or accept it or kindly declined. I want to point out. That a rate fantasy is very different than a true rape.
It's important to note that in the way that women tend to describe these fantasies. There [00:06:00] is really a level of desire present. They'll likely make it clear that in some form or fashion, it's actually quite consensual saying things like I secretly wanted it. Like I knew I shouldn't be okay with this, but I did at the same time, That is part of the fantasy.
Oftentimes in the person that they want the fantasy to play played out with is someone that they actually find attractive and actually want to sleep with. So it's not the case that these girls who are actually fantasizing about sexual assault, rather they're picturing a scenario that enfolds on their own terms. And I think that that goes into play with a lot of fantasies, right?
Like there's something about the fantasy that makes it. Taboo in its own. Right. But when you start to peel back some of the layers of certain fantasies, That's not quite what we think it is on the surface. So. If this is a woman's fantasy and she's revealed this to you.
She's in control of what and how the [00:07:00] exchange happens in a lot of ways,
so she's telling you, this is what she wants. That's very different than being forced into a situation. And I do want to say that this is a very sensitive fantasy to explore. So that's kind of why after this man expressed this to me and was wrote in feeling concerned, I was like, this is a great fantasy to explore because it is. It is intricate. So just know that there are always going to be nuances to fantasies that are very different from real life events. Let's look at why someone might want this.
It's like understanding the deeper layers of this type of fantasy. So I think the most popular is really this sexual blame avoidance. A lot of women experience a massive amount of guilt or shame for having any kind of intense, erotic visions. A lot of us grow up being taught to be good girls, you know, we're meek be polite. Some currently might even say Pete and Muir be [00:08:00] mindful. You know, And that is the bucket that we're supposed to live in, especially when it comes to exploring sexuality.
And so being quote unquote, forced into this situation. May offer some kind of relief or really, but the burden associated with what's unfolding is lifted.
There's also this idea of sexual desirability. This idea gets to be played out that this woman is so insanely desired by the man and the fantasy that he can't stop himself from having her. Like, that's the ultimate amount of sexual desirability for someone to be so desiring of you, that they cannot stop themselves because they just want you so badly.
Right. And it feels good to be wanted, especially when ultimately it is with someone that deep down you really want to be with.
So. There's also this concept of sexual openness, and this is all [00:09:00] about how we like to flirt with the boundaries of sex in a very safe. Space and really in the privacy of our own homes. So I think a lot of the times an overall dominating fantasies, whether it's a BDSM space or, you know, this type of force sex fantasy, there is this level of having sex that is. Really a portal. Into a space that might be missing in the rest of their life.
And I think it's really interesting because with all of these, you know, like hashtag boss, babe women, out there, women that are taking on more leadership roles, women that are working more stressful jobs, it's a matter of sometimes wanting to fully surrender. And if a woman isn't fully. You know, in her feminine. This can be a shortcut to that surrender or an expansion of this render that they already have. And I think that sometimes, you know,
We want to imagine what it feels like to fully surrender to another human being, [00:10:00] especially sexually.
Maybe you can even relate to that. Right? You're. Uh, driven high powered man in your life. And you are probably leading all day long. You're leading in your job. You're leading in your relationships. You're leading in the home, right? It's so much leadership and it would be. Nice to be able to surrender some in the bedroom. It's like a mini vacation from the everyday life that you have to live.
And just to be able to relax and not have to like be decisive and make decisions. Cause that's a lot of energy sometimes. Perhaps if this was resonating, You could relate to that.
So. In this type of fantasy, she gets to be like, Hey, I'm going on vacation for micro controlling, organized perfectionistic life for a little while. So think about whether this is a fantasy that's resonating with you or not think about your own fantasy and how it allows you to step into some sort of like outer space, different portal.
That's separate from your everyday life. To better understand why it [00:11:00] is that you really wanted. You know, I think we forget that we are animals and nature really requires a balance. And this even comes down to a very base primal idea that. Male mammals have to pursue and subdue the female in order to meet. Right.
Don't forget. Gentlemen women that are listening, that we are animals. And if you look at. S the world approcreation outside of us. There is a lot of pursuing an M subdued. Subduing. And that can either, this can even come down to like a primal piece. So perhaps exploring the primal element of the fantasy that you have. To better understand why it is that you really want it. I did an episode on Kolding a few months ago.
That was wildly popular. I'm so glad I did it. We'll have to explore that, that fantasy, that topic more, but. And that episode, I talked so much about the biological and [00:12:00] physiological responses to living out that fantasy. And there's so much seeped in our desires that really come from this more primal reptilian part of our brain. And if we look at what kinks and workings and fantasies come from many really seem to be grounded in, in fear. Let's say that you're the jealous type you fear being cheated on and your erotic reptilian, imaginative brain. Took your fear and spun it into a kink.
And now you fantasize about catching your partner. Cheating on you. And then that ends up in a threesome.
Right. There's all of these different ways that are. Our fantasies come into kinks. You know, I. Was in, in one of my grad school classes. Um, the professor gave an example of how he had a client who could only have sex when he was or get aroused when he was holding onto a. Door knob. [00:13:00] To like the way that, oh my God, a doorknob, the way that you opened a door. That was really, really arousing to him.
And the only way he could have sex was if he was holding onto it. We started exploring, like, why was this, why was this as king? Why were, why was he so aroused by holding onto a doorknob? And it came to find out that when he first entered into the sexual space, when he first started exploring masturbation as a kid, That he would always hold on to the door. Of his bedroom to make sure that if his mom or parents or siblings walked in, that he would be able to shut it.
And so he's like, he's masturbating while he's holding onto this door knob. And he created this association with ejaculation, with arousal to a doorknob. And so that's really where that, that kink, that sexual acts. Uh, excitement and arousal came from. And as soon as he started to understand, Hey. That's really why that's what sparked that for me, he was able to start to undo it a little bit because he's in this marriage and the only way [00:14:00] he can have sex with his wife is if he's holding onto the door knob while they're doing it.
So it created a lot of limitation for him. So think about what might be coming up for you. That's sparking this fantasy that you have. And. Going back to the rape fantasy, I hope that some of this helps perhaps understand a little bit more about why. Your partner might have this fantasy and understanding can shift our experience of something. So I hope that that is helpful to better understand overall. So with this beautiful understanding that you have about this type of fantasy, or maybe the one that you're exploring, what do you want to do about it?
And this goes for any, any type of desire.
No matter what the fantasy is. I love the saying don't yuck. Somebody Jamar as a dear friend of mine once told me don't shit on someone's lollipop. Right. So when someone shares what they want with you do what you can not to [00:15:00] freak out in the moment when they share their fantasies, not to make strange faces or gestures that clearly indicate some type of just taste or disgust. If that's true for you.
Second. Word choices, everything here. When it comes to the specifically a rape fantasy. Perhaps refer to it as a forced sex fantasy. I think the way that we verbalized things and place labels on things can be challenging. So, if that sits better for you, for her, maybe she's kind of distressed about having this fantasy, looking at it from that angle. If it's coming from this safe space could be really helpful. And if this is something that you want to play out with her. Have a conversation beforehand to set really clear boundaries and ground rules about what this means.
And this goes for any, any fantasy. Right? And while talking about a fantasy might not. Initially feel sexy or exciting. You definitely want to do it. And you might even [00:16:00] find that the conversation. Creates a level of arousal and excitement and turn on the, you might not have been anticipating, so you definitely want to explore. What this means specifically, you want to also know in this type of, for sex fantasy what's what's within the boundaries.
What's off limits. What's a. Yes, go to, so let's say what, what could be off limits could be something like forced oral or excessive force or anal. We want to also set limits on duration and location, right? You don't, if she's not comfortable, she wants this to specifically be at your home because that really feels like a safe space to explore this.
Make sure that. That's all communicated, make sure that, you know, That this isn't something that she wants to have going on for five hours. Maybe it's Hey, I want to explore this for you. 30 minutes, whatever it is really talk through some of these foundational key components. To better understand what is a yes.
And what is a no. You also want to have [00:17:00] safe words, I think in any fantasy and even just in a sexual space in general, whether you're exploring something Kiki or not, having a safe word is really, really important. To instantly pull a stop to things, to put a pause on things. I will never forget. I listened to this comedy where I believe, I think it was Kevin Hart.
And he talked about using safe words during sex to communicate when he wasn't comfortable. And has safe words was pineapples and he goes off on this in this comedy skits, just yelling pineapples, bitch pineapples. And I'll never forget it. Maybe pineapples is a safe word for you. Maybe it's not. I think it's important to make sure that your safe word does not stop. And it's not know, especially if you're exploring for a sex.
Now it might be a little tricky. So making sure that there's a safe word or even like a safe. Um, hand gesture, maybe within one of the fantasies that you're exploring, someone wants to have like a gag or their mouth bound or something like [00:18:00] that. It's kind of hard to have a safe word. So maybe like making sure that hands are free.
And like if she ever holds up the number three or four, that, you know, that means, Hey, stop. So really making sure that you have this really vetted out clearly before you step into any sort of environment to make sure that safety is really explored and held.
And I would add a preface here that exploring fantasies and especially for sex fantasies. You want to make, make sure that this is coming from.
From a really. Expansive space. Not necessarily. Um, I want to relive something really horrible that happened to me to try to break free from it. Right. So if you have a partner that's going through this and perhaps, maybe she experienced. True assault or rape in her life. And you're getting this sense that this isn't coming from, A clean space, energy.
I know that sounds [00:19:00] really woo, but I hope you'll and you'll feel it. You'll notice it. You'll recognize the words. You'll understand your partner's lived experience and you can ask these questions. So really getting back to why this is what, what your partner wants to explore.
And I want to preface this and these conversations and in the exploration of living out fantasies, I would highly recommend 10, never say. I'm just doing this for you.
Because no one ever wants to experience. I mean, really any kind of sexual experience, right. Where someone says, Hey, I'm just doing this for you. Like, I don't want to do this, but I'll do it for you because we know that the. That's not going to feel good for the rest of the recipient and it's not gonna feel good for you. So you really want to check in with yourself and ask yourself, am I exploring this fantasy?
Because it's really what I want, or am I exploring this fantasy? Because I feel like. In order to [00:20:00] stay in this person's life. I have to do this, or in order to make sure that they don't cheat on me and explore this with somebody else, I should do it. Like ask yourself those questions. And finally I think. Really listen to your partner, explain the fantasy to you. She might say, for example, that she wants to force sex to experience. But like, what does that actually entail? And the vision that you might have could be very different than the one that she has.
So it's like you almost firsthand wanna like explore the fantasy from a verbal lens. Right. Ask her. Hey. This is really, really interesting that this is a fantasy that you have. Can you walk me through what the vision in your mind is of this?
Right. Like, are you pinning her down? Are you surprising her? Does she want you to do more talking than anything like more verbal, like tell me that I'm on you. I'm all yours. Is, does she want this to be actually more of like a [00:21:00] verbal, psychological experience where it's more about you saying things like I'm gonna make you mind. I'm all yours.
Like what? What is actually the fantasy and really ask for specific details to build off of. And this might seem intense. But she can always write down a list or you can have all of the things that she's open to. , if you guys have been hearing, , that I have that BDSM. Checklists or you can go through to explore together.
What's a yes, what's a no, what's a, maybe let's talk about it. And coming back to that, it's not like a 1, 1, 1, and done it's a, Hey, let's review this every once in a while. Let's see. What's shifted. What's contracted. In your sexual repertoire.
I lied. I said that was the last thing I was going to say, but it's not.
This is the most important piece, I think do not do anything with anyone. If you do not want to, there should be no part of you. That is a no on this. For one thing we don't want to have as anyone's [00:22:00] fantasies. You got to go full send, right. Like that would be the biggest gift to give to someone and to receive to.
Like, well, how beautiful that someone wants to explore this deep. Powerful fantasy that they have. And they're choosing you to explore that with. No one wants someone to meekly like your toes. If you have a foot fetish, right? Like you want to go all in and if you can't consider communicating that. And potentially not doing it. .
If the tables were reversed and you asked your girl to play at a fantasy and you know, she wasn't into it, would you still want her to do it? Hell. No. You would probably feel weird. It probably wouldn't be that great.
And if she says something like, Hey, You're too much of a pussy. If you don't want to do this kind of kink with me, or like, I can't believe you like you're so vanilla. And rejects you or shames you for your declining to explore [00:23:00] something.
That's a conversation for another day.
Maybe she should talk to someone, maybe like something else is going on here. But really in any fantasy scenario. Don't do it just to please them. This should be enjoyable for you too. So let's say that you play this or any other fantasy out. If thought if thoughts begin to feel really intrusive out of control or distressing, it's no longer a fun sexual fantasy. And then that is something to explore resolving really quickly.
Let's say that you start having nightmares about it. You're starting to have anxious thoughts about stepping into this fantasy with someone maybe you're feeling gross about exploring that. Like pause. Stop. And communicate that clearly. And I think that there's a way that you can do it. That is. You know, not really rejecting of saying, Hey. I'm so appreciative that you shared with me that this is a fantasy that you have.
I. Doubt that was easy for you. [00:24:00] I am so open to exploring our sexuality together and what's possible in the bedroom with one another. And I have to be honest. As much as I want to please you and make you happy. In the bedroom. And our sex life. This is not sitting right for me. And I would never want to explore a fantasy with you or explore a sexual experience with you that I wasn't a full yes to. How does that land for you?
There is a way to say no to people that is not a rejection.
And I think that it's so easy to get lost in the weeds of thinking that. And finally. Yet again. I swear you guys. I was like, and finally, and finally, and finally. Let's have some fucking fun. Okay. And especially in the, in the sense of a forced sex fantasy that might some kind of weird. But , I'm sure at some point there might be some laughter there might be some giggles, maybe tried to say something and it came out weird and you're like that wasn't right, .
Whatever [00:25:00] unfolds. Maybe you say something off the wall and maybe you hesitate and then like break character or break the dine him. Whatever it is. Fantasies or a playground and some games are rougher than others. Sometimes we're wrestling. Sometimes we're playing. Tea party. So as long as you have rules and regulations coming from an athlete,
Everyone should have a good time.
Every sport is going to have a different level of danger associated to it. You simply have to prepare accordingly for the game. . If you're playing football. Versus fly fishing. Which I think people do call a sport. You're going to have different requirements for safety. You're going to be wearing different things.
You're going to warm up differently. It's going to be very different. So. I always say that sex is our adult playground. So kinks and fantasies. It's really the imagination coming to life. And it's such a beautiful thing to explore with [00:26:00] someone. So. I hope that this has been helpful and navigating how to respond to someone's. Sexual fantasy, whether it's for sex or otherwise. You can always remember. Remember, you can always kindly decline. You can set your own limits.
And I would love to hear how living out you or your partners fantasies goes. And if this has been supportive in any way, it would truly mean. So so much to me, if you would subscribe to the channel and leave a comment and really connect with all of the other amazing men that are here, You guys, it is our one year anniversary. This show has been my fantasy that has come to life and I am so grateful for you being a part of it. Words cannot even express how grateful I am to be here with you.
I love you all so much. This is Kirsten Trammell and until next time happy, fantasizing and. Let's get [00:27:00] some.