Create Fantastic Foreplay And Build Better Sexual Skills
Want to turn your sex life from good to great? Join Kirsten as she sits down with Kevin Anthony, a certified sexologist and tantra counselor, to explore ways to take your sex life to the next level.
Whether you are currently single and want to learn skills for your next lover or are in a relationship wishing to deepen your sexual experiences, this episode is packed with value for you. Key topics include initiating sex, improving foreplay, maintaining arousal, and enhancing sexual energy during periods of abstinence.
Kevin and Kirsten address body image issues that men carry, the importance of a mindful masturbation practice, and how to build polarity and desire in your dynamics with women. Tune in for a deep dive into upgrading your intimacy and sexual prowess. Let's get some!
Key Topics:
06:27 Communication and Co-Creation in Sex
12:15 Initiation and Arousal Techniques
17:14 Foreplay: Tips and Techniques
20:19 Understanding Erection Anxiety
21:22 The Importance of Relaxation
22:30 Exploring a Woman's Body
23:37 Body Image Issues in Men
25:35 Taking Action on Body Image
29:11 Keeping Sex Fun and Exciting
35:07 Maintaining Sexual Energy When Single
Connect with Kevin Anthony
https://www.kevinandceline.com/
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] If you want to take your sex life from good to holy shit. Amazing. This episode is for you. Because that's saying, if it isn't broke, don't fix, it doesn't necessarily apply to sex. Sure. You could be having good sex, consistent sex, getting that orgasm and every single time. But. Don't you want to have epic mindblowing sacks that leaves both you and your partner.
Completely speechless.
Welcome back to the naked connection. This is the show that supports driven men to reach sexual mastery and build deep connections. What's up, you guys, it's Kiersten your soon to be licensed therapist. In this episode,
We are about to get into tactical skills on how to upgrade your sex life from how to navigate, initiating with a woman. So it doesn't feel like you're alone in wanting sex to how to make for play a place that enhances your arousal as opposed to being a means to an end or even leading to losing an [00:01:00] erection.
And we're even going to cover how during periods of not having sex, you can still enhance your sexual energy and power. In order to have this conversation. Kevin Anthony joins us today on the show. Kevin is a certified sexologist, a tantra counselor, and an NLP practitioner, and he's really here because he has done a massive amount of work to support men, to. Develop your stamina to build your confidence and relate to enhance your sexual abilities. And we are about to do all of that right here today. So you guys. Let's get some.
Kevin, Anthony, welcome to the Naked Connection.
Thanks for having me. , how could I turn down a show called the naked connection? Come on.
Um, well, I know that we're going to cover so many different topics today, and I thought we could start off by [00:02:00] exploring what is one idea that you really want to normalize for men in their experience with sex and intimacy.
Ooh, one. I got to narrow it down to
mean, you can, top three, though. Okay.
Okay. Something. Okay. If I really, if I want to get to the core issue when it comes to sex with men and women. And this, , if you ask women, women are going to tell you that, you know, he doesn't spend enough time on foreplay. He doesn't last long enough. The sex really isn't that good.
That's like kind of your main complaints from women. Okay, let's turn that around now. And let's look at from the man's point of view. If I could normalize something that I think isn't quite yet in the mainstream and it's something I've been working on for a decade now is trying to teach men to slow down, okay, approach sex as a journey and not as a destination, to let [00:03:00] go of their constant focus on getting to their ejaculation and their orgasm, and to think of it as Like I said, a journey.
So the two of you are going to get together, you're going to get naked, you're going to play with each other's bodies, and you're going to make a whole journey out of it. It is an exploration. It is something that you want to take your time with. That's just not the way most men approach sex. The most, most men approach sex from the point of view of, it's, it's something I'm doing and it doesn't really matter how long it lasts as long as I have an ejaculation and, , that's pretty much it.
And if I could just get them to understand how much better, not only for their partner, but for themselves, sex could be better. If they were to approach it differently, if they were to approach it as a journey, if they were to approach it from the point of view [00:04:00] of really wanting to satisfy their partner.
Women's sexual potential is massive. It's far more powerful than men's sexual potential. In other words, she can Just continue opening. She can have orgasm after orgasm. Her energy builds and builds and builds and builds. She is just an endless well of sexual energy. So from a man's point of view, wouldn't you want to be on the receiving end of that endless well of sexual energy?
Yeah, you do! However good you think sex is as a man, for the, you know, two to five minutes or three to seven minutes that the average man lasts, imagine experiencing that hype. It's crazy. For an hour, or two hours, or however long you feel like going. So the, the potential for more pleasure is, is huge if you can reframe how you approach [00:05:00] sex with your woman.
And of course, if you're doing that, it's suddenly going to get really fun and interesting for her too, right? Because the number one complaint with men, you know, when they come to me and they say, she never wants to have sex and she's always making an excuse and I always have to initiate and she doesn't seem like she's that into it.
I always have to ask them. Is she getting the kind of sex she wants? And the answer, most likely, is no. Because if she was getting the kind of sex that she wants She'd be wanting more of it, and more of it, and more of it, right? So if she's not interested in it, the sex probably isn't that good. So if you can reframe the way you see sex, you're going to make it better for yourself, you're gonna make it better for her.
If it's better for her, she's gonna want more sex, you're gonna get more sex, and everything is better.
Everything. Amazing. Oh my gosh. Okay. So we're definitely going to have to go on a journey today through how to make sex a journey. And yeah, if you, [00:06:00] okay, you mentioned some things already and it sounds I mean, if we were to start from the very beginning at looking at like why someone would want.
To make this change. I think a lot of the times I hear this concept of if it isn't broken, why should I fix it? Sex works for me. Why should I be fixing it? And so I guess if someone's having that thought What would you say to them that would help perhaps show the value of the journey?
Two things I would say to that. Sex may be working for you, but is it working for your partner? Ask her. And, and, first of all, you should be having regular conversations about sex all the time. And when you have those conversations, you need to create an atmosphere where both parties feel really safe to talk about anything they want and to be totally honest with each other.
And I can tell you, because I hear this all day long, this is what I do for a living, The majority of women out there are not actually happy and satisfied with their sex life. As a man, you might it works for [00:07:00] me, you know, we have sex, and I have my orgasm, and all is great, right? But is it working for her?
And I'm willing to bet, in the majority of cases, if she were really honest, That, no, it's not working for her. Okay, why is that an issue? Because sex is a co creation! It's made between two people. It's not just about you, right? So you have to stop thinking it's about you and your orgasm. This is a co creation.
This is something that the two of you are creating together and it has to work for both of you, not just one of you. The second thing is, is that there are lots of things that may work, but could it work better? So just because it works okay, you get sex, You get to put penis in vagina, you have orgasm.
Okay, technically that worked. Alright, but what if you get to have sex, you eventually at some point get around to, you know, penis in vagina, and then you go on this journey of multiple waves of orgasmic bliss that [00:08:00] leave you so altered and in such a other dimension and state of consciousness that you literally can't even get up and walk across the room without holding on to the wall.
Does that work better? I mean, you could eat McDonald's. Technically, that works, right? You put food in your stomach and you're not starving. But wouldn't you rather have a great home cooked meal or go to a really, you know, five star, Michelin rated restaurant? You see the difference.
Yeah. Yes. 100%. I love that. And I feel like we're all enrolled on this journey now. No. And I think to, to your point about that, it's a co creation, I think I've noticed even in myself of the fact that. As a woman, I have to take ownership in the experience too, and so while this is like we're having a conversation looking at it through the lens of men, I always think too about how important it is for a woman to own the responsibility of herself also having pleasure and [00:09:00] starting the conversations and engaging in ways that's supportive for men too.
Yeah she, she needs to, you know, be honest. She needs to speak up, but also do it in a way that is compassionate and loving. I know we're speaking primarily to men here, so I don't want to go too far down the rabbit hole of what women should do. But, you know, one of the problems that often occurs in relationships is that when she's not happy, the first thing she does is just shut down physically.
So she's not interested in sex. But if the communication happens at all, it's usually it's because you don't do this, and you don't do that, and you're no good at this, and right. So you get into the sort of criticizing, complaining aspect of it. Yeah. Which never helps anything. I, I fully agree that a woman should take ownership of her part in this co creation, which does mean using her voice and asking for what she wants, but she should also be doing that in a way that is creating more connection and not more disconnection, right?
In a compassionate way where the two of you are working on, how can we just make this better for both of us rather than getting [00:10:00] into the, you don't do this, and if you would only do it that way.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And I guess in understanding that, that that can be an approach that a woman would take, what would you say for a man that maybe is in a relationship with someone where she's kind of coming from that place of creating separation by complaining, by nagging, by saying this isn't happening, that isn't happening and shutting down.
Okay, yeah, that's, that's tough. We could, we could actually talk the entire show about how, how to,
do we have?
Exactly. You know, if she's in that place of, of nagging and complaining, You're already kind of a little too far down the road, right? So you've let things go to a point where, you know, she's already in that sort of aggravated place.
So the first thing you got to do is try to calm everything down, right? There's a lot of ways in which you can do that. This kind of starts to get into the polarity stuff, right? And like, how you, how you interact with each other. Because if [00:11:00] you've got good polarity in the relationship, and you're really stepping up and owning being, you know, the masculine in that relationship, she shouldn't be in that naggy, complainy mode.
She should be relaxed and in her feminine. And when she's relaxed and in her feminine, she's not going to be naggy and complaining. what happens is she's frustrated because you're not stepping up as a man, and so she gets into her masculine, and then the nagging and complaining comes out. It's a much deeper conversation about how do you correct that dynamic so that she can relax into her feminine, but that's one of the things that you want to do. You need to step up as a man, you need to take responsibility for your part in it, right? If she's nagging and complaining, you know, you as a guy, you need to say, Okay, I'm willing to listen to you. I want to hear what you have to say. I'm not going to get defensive. I'm going to own the places where I haven't stepped up as a man, and then let's work together to figure out how we can fix this.
Okay, that's a great, great start. And yeah, I know we could, that as the question was coming out of my mouth, I'm like, there's probably books on this [00:12:00] very single question. So that's, that's a really great place to just start if someone's having that experience. Okay. So one of the things that you brought up was this, this, element of initiation.
And I know for a lot of, of men have written in or asked about what to do, like how to initiate in a way that's received well, what to do if they're always initiating, how can we create more enjoyment out of initiation?
[00:13:00] The biggest problem that most people have when it comes to initiation is if you think of sexual arousal on a scale of 0 to 10, most people, it's like, hey, I want to have sex. I'm going to see if I can enroll my partner in wanting to have sex. And then they go and they try to initiate. The problem is their partner is at a 0 on the scale of arousal.
So they're trying to literally get them from a place of [00:14:00] 0 to, you know, a four or five where they're even potentially interested in having sex. That's a big haul. That's a heavy lift. So the first thing I would say is you shouldn't be trying to go from zero to let's have sex. So one of the things that I teach is what I call a constant state of arousal.
And it's little things that you do day in and day out between each other to kind of stoke that fire so that you're always in this sort of perpetual state of turn on at least to some degree. So you don't have to go from a zero and try to get them interested in sex. Maybe you have to go from a three to a five or six, right?
So it's, it's a much lighter lift. So it's much easier to enroll them into sex. The other thing is, is, you know, women have this amazing capacity to multitask. It is hardwired into them. Why? Because they're mothers. They were created to be mothers. They have to be doing 80 things at once. They have to have eyes in the back of their head, right?
Because they got this [00:15:00] kid over here doing this, this kid over here while they're trying to do this, this, and this, right? So women have, you know, what my wife used to call all the time, diffuse awareness, which is an absolute master skill that they possess, but it does have a downside. And the downside to that is, they get way up here in their heads.
And when they're in their heads, they're not in their bodies. And when they're not in their bodies, they are not interested in sex. As a man, what can you do to get her more interested in wanting to have sex with you? You can try to make her life a little easier, so she's not so all over the place trying to do things, right?
So this is one of the classic things I, I tell men all the time. It's You know, it's the end of the day, you're finishing up dinner, and you're like, Hey, I'm ready for some sex now, it's night time, woohoo, yeah, you know. And it's she's thinking about, I gotta finish the dishes, I gotta make lunches for the kids tomorrow, I gotta get the laundry that's in the dryer, I gotta, you know, all these things, this is what's going in her head.
Do you think she has any desire [00:16:00] for sex in that moment? No, she doesn't. But if you can take some of that burden off of her shoulders, and so that she can feel comfortable that the laundry's done, the kids are taken care of, and all that, she can let go of it. and then she can relax into it. Now, men often don't like hearing that because they're like, Hey, I've been at work all day long.
I work hard too. And then I come home and I got to do more work just so that she'll want to have sex. Sorry guys. Yeah. I mean, that's the answer. Yeah. You were born a man. The answer is yes. You're going to have to help her with some of that stuff. Clear her plate so she can get out of her head. The next thing is, is don't go straight for the sex. Okay, you've done a job, a reasonably good job of doing the constant state of arousal. You've taken some of the tasks off the plate so she doesn't have to worry about them.
But she's probably still not really in her body yet. So rather than trying to go [00:17:00] straight for sex, Why don't you do something that gets her into her body? That could be anything. It could be like, let's do partner stretching together. Let me just give you a massage. Like just lay down, you know, take your clothes off or not even I'll just rub your shoulders on the couch, whatever it is you need to do something.
that gets her back into her physical body. Because if she's not in her body, she's not going to be interested in sex. And even if she technically agrees to have sex with you, she's going to be distracted. She's not going to be into it. The sex isn't going to be that good. She's going to be looking at the clock, going, are you done yet?
Which the reality is, is I mean, most guys would say hey, that's better than no sex, but that's not good sex.
Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So let's say that we've gotten through the initiation and we're a green light, we're a go. I find, and you said this earlier about the value of foreplay and I'm curious what if you have any, I know we're kind of getting really tactical, which I like of any tactical [00:18:00] skills or Tools that you would recommend for a man that are really powerful in this sense of foreplay.
And I, it's interesting. I know. And this is just some experiences that I've had in conversations with men is that the foreplay , if they're doing it for too long, they're fine that they lose their erection or that it becomes no longer arousing to them. So I'm so curious about what are ways to use foreplay to amplify that experience for a man.
Yeah, so I'm gonna start with something slightly different, and then I'm gonna get to that part about losing the erection. And if I forget, please remind me, because that's an important piece I want to talk about. Okay, the first thing is this. Don't go straight for her genitals. Just don't do it. Don't go straight for the genitals.
I have, I have a freebie on, on one of my websites. And I think it's called something along the lines of seven or ten erogenous zones to go to before you get to her genitals, right? So one of the things that we always teach men is on a woman's body, you start from the outside and you work [00:19:00] in.
On a man's body, you can go straight to the genitals. We're perfectly fine with that. No problems with that at all. In fact, if you're touching us anywhere else, what we're primarily thinking about the whole time is when is she going to get to our penis? That's just a reality. But for women, start elsewhere.
Start in places that you don't even think necessarily would be a turn on. Because they probably are. The back of her neck, right? That's a great one. The inside of her elbow. The back of her knee. Her thighs You know, her lower back. These are all places that you can touch, stroke, lick, kiss, things like that, that will absolutely get her fired up.
If you go straight for the genitals, it's, she's probably not really going to be that open to it. And you know, women's genitals have even more nerve endings than men's. They are extremely sensitive and they need to be warmed up before you can just go right in there and, you know, even touch them sometimes.
So start on the outside, work your way [00:20:00] to the inside. That's the first tip. The second tip is. Too many men approach foreplay as some chore I have to do in order to get her to want to actually let me put my penis in her, right?
Yeah.
You have to love it. Foreplay has to be just as much fun for you as the actual sexist.
It is for me. I love it. And I say this all the time and I'm so glad that John wrote this song, but you know, John Mayer wrote a song called Your Body is a Wonderland, right? And he's singing about all of the parts of her body that he absolutely loves. And that is the way I approach a woman's body. It's like a wonderland.
It's like, it's like the best theme park ever, right? You know, and you just want to have fun with it. And that's how you have to approach. Foreplay, it needs to be fun for you. And if it is fun for you, if you're really enjoying it, if you're looking at her body as the most beautiful, [00:21:00] exquisite, sexy thing that you can't get enough of, you will be so turned on that you won't have to worry about losing your erection. Now, that does change a little bit as men get older. And so sometimes this can be a bit more of an issue for older men. Here's the problem. The problem is that when that happens for men, they immediately have anxiety. and that anxiety actually creates the very thing that they don't want. So what happens?
They spend a little more time maybe on the foreplay, they lose their erection, now they start having anxiety about the fact that they don't have an erection. That anxiety then feeds them losing their erection and they get in this spiral because the harder it is for them to achieve an erection, the more anxiety they have, the more performance anxiety they have, right?
The more fear they have about, oh, what if I can't, you know, get an erection and then she's going to think less of me and I'm not a man and all this stuff that goes on. So just relax. It's okay if you lose your [00:22:00] erection. You will be able to get it back as long as you stay relaxed And in your parasympathetic nervous system, right?
You need to be relaxed. That is the key to achieving an erection. So don't allow yourself to get all, you know, in your head about it. Oh no, I lost my erection. I mean, in Tantra, when we talk about making love for, you know, two, three, four, five, six, however long we want. Your, your, your penis is not rock hard through that entire six hours.
In fact, technically the definition of priapism, which is a medical condition that is very serious and could cause damage like permanent damage to your penis. They say it's a persistent hard on four hours or more, right? So that's not what's happening in tantra. You are having an erection and then, you know, you're losing it and then you're getting it and then you're losing it.
And it's just this. this flow as you go through the process. And I know that's hard for a lot of men to understand, but then again, most men have never had sex for five hours straight.[00:23:00]
Yeah, and it's when you were talking about the concept of exploring a woman like the John Mayer song, your body is a wonderland from, I mean, from my personal experiences, I've even, I, it's almost as a woman, I can tell if a man is like doing the things just to get to the next part versus being in the experience and enjoying it.
Yeah. And it. It changes the way that I have the experience as well. Like the subtle cues of picking up on Oh, this feels like a chore just to get to what you want. And that doesn't necessarily create a good experience for the woman to receive.
Oh yeah. She feels everything. She feels everything. Especially the subtle energetic stuff that you as a man may not even be aware of. She feels it. She knows exactly if you're not present with her, she feels it. If you're just rushing to get to the next thing, she feels it. And here's the problem with that is, [00:24:00] not only does she feel it, but if she feels it, she's never going to open up to you.
Yeah. And, and one of the, the pieces that I really wanted to explore with you was, and I know that you've spoken about it on your podcast as well, about having this sense of confidence in one's body within a sexual experience. And I know that there's so much information out there about body image issues with women.
And I was doing some research and found it's something like I think it was the journal of men's health came out saying that up to 85 percent of men aren't satisfied with their muscle mass and that 30 to 40 percent of men are not satisfied with their physical appearance. And that plays such a big role in how we step into these sexual experiences.
And I'm wondering if there's someone that's listening, that's having those thoughts or those feelings about themselves, what could. What could one do to shift that so that they can [00:25:00] step into a sexual experience in a different way?
The, the first thing that I would say is that, you know, if you're in a healthy relationship, with a partner who actually loves you. She probably doesn't care a whole lot about all of the things that you see when you look in the mirror. In other words, and you'll see this all the time, right? You'll see these, you know, beautiful model women with these guys that are like balding and have bellies and they're not, you know, and, and everybody assumes that it's just because they're wealthy, right?
Sometimes that's true, but that's not always true. Other times it is, you know, He's a good man, right? He's he meets her needs in a lot of other ways. It could be that he's an amazing lover, right? So women are more willing to look past. The things that are not perfect about our bodies if you are really showing up as a quality, what I call integrated masculine man.
So the first piece of advice is don't stress over it so much. I mean, if she's willing to get naked and show up [00:26:00] in bed with you and have sex with you, she's probably not that concerned about it. The second thing I would say is, And this is true of anything in life, really, but if you look in the mirror and you're not happy with the way that you look, then do something about it.
So we talked before, and I just mentioned again about what does it mean to really show up as a quality man? What, what, how would a successful quality man do that? approach, say, business, right? Just to take it out of the sex realm for a moment. How would a healthy, successful man approach business?
He would look at a problem and say, okay, we need to increase revenue by, you know, X percentage. How can we do that? All right. What if we can cut down manufacturing costs? Okay. That's one. What if we do this? What if we do this? And he forms a plan and then he takes action steps to make it happen. These are absolutely masculine qualities that are extremely attractive to women.
So how do we apply that [00:27:00] now to body image issues? You look in the mirror and you go, Man, I do not like the way I look. I've, I've got a belly, I've got, you know, no butt. You know, it's like whatever's going on that you, you're looking at and you don't like, okay, how can I fix that? What can I do about it?
Okay I can try to clean up my diet and eat a little bit better, right? I can, you know, start going to the gym and working out, or I can at least just go out and go for a walk a couple times a week. There's always. Something that you can do and even if you don't look like, you know, the perfect male model, which you're not going to because almost nobody does as long as you're doing okay, right?
And as long as you're taking action steps, that's what's going to be important. What she's really looking at more than anything else is, you know, what are you actually doing? Are you actually taking action? Are you, are you doing something about, you know, your, your looks and, and your health really? So I think that's far more important than how you actually look.
Now, you know, obviously [00:28:00] if you're sort of feigning taking action, which you'll see people do, you know, the, Oh yeah, I'm a, I'm on a diet. I'm working on it. It's then you watch what they eat and they're not really on a diet, you know, it's like the action steps have to be real action steps and you have to be working on it.
But here's the thing is, if you actually do that, you will see the progress and the results. You don't have to be, you know, Arnold Schwarzenegger back in the pumping iron days. It doesn't take that much effort. It just takes some basic effort. Eat right, sleep enough, drink enough water, move your body, exercise.
you know, manage your stress levels and it's just basic stuff and that basic stuff will not only increase her attraction towards you, it will also help you feel more confident and you'll start to see other areas of your life shift as well.
I love that idea of approaching it, like looking at it, how you would look at a business. And if you have a goal, how do you approach that? And that's [00:29:00] the kind of tactical nature of or actionable nature of, of making that change. Cool. Okay. And I'm just thinking in terms of like actually living within the experience of sex, let's say they've moved through the foreplay and. I don't even know how to ask this question. What would you say is, is something that a man could do or just a couple could do that maybe they haven't thought of before or a way to approach sex that might be different and create a different experience for them? Yeah, yeah.
You gotta have fun with it. Sex should be an exploration. An exploration of each other's bodies, an exploration of what you could potentially achieve, where you could take the connection, the energy, and you just got to explore and have fun with it and try different things.
You know, my wife and I used to say all the time we'll [00:30:00] basically try anything and if it completely flops, we'll laugh about it. I mean, how many times have you maybe not that many for most people, but how many times have you tried something, right? And you know, We're going to try this new position up against the on this table or whatever, and then the, then the thing breaks, or the chair falls over, or and you just go crashing to the ground, and then you hit the ground and you laugh hysterically, and you just go, okay, that didn't work, let's try something else.
You just gotta have fun with it. Too many people get into routine with sex. It's okay, you know, we do, you know, five minutes of foreplay, you know, I lick you a little bit, you suck me a little bit, then we do penetration for, you know, five minutes and then I ejaculate and then we go to bed and I'm always on top or, you know, you know, whatever it is.
Don't get stuck in the routine, feel free to experiment, try different positions, try different places, get out of the house, get a hotel room if you have to, whatever you need to do to sort of shake it up and do something different. Bring in toys if you need to bring in toys. I mean, they're [00:31:00] so Many experiences that you could possibly have in the realm of sexuality if you just remain open to it.
The problem is, and I hear this all the time, it's Oh no, no, I, I, I could never do that. Why not? What's wrong with that, right? A lot of times there's shame and fear underneath the surface of that, which you'll have to work on. But the general gist of it is, is just have fun with it. It's supposed to be fun.
In the immortal words of Larry Flint, Relax, it's just sex.
Thank you for saying that. I, I think it can become such a heavy topic. And even like when you're in it, you're like, Oh, this is like serious business. And I, I find it interesting. Like I had an ex of mine, I felt like he was so serious. You know, sometimes like your body's just make funny noises.
And if they're pressed up against each other, like sometimes it sounds like you're farting. And I would giggle cause I'm like, how can I not laugh at that? And he would just pretend like it wasn't there and [00:32:00] I find it really interesting of how we can get so stuck in thinking that it has to be look a certain way in order for it to be a good experience when in actuality, perhaps it might be the opposite.
Exactly. If you're, if you're constantly worried about what do I look like in this position or what noises are my body making or, you know, is this the way it should be? I mean, you're just going to get way too in your head. , sex is a physical thing that we do with our bodies. It's not a mental thing that we do up here in our heads.
Now, granted, we, we often say that our mind is our biggest sex organ, but that's to get us in the mood. for sex, right? Once we're there, we want to be in our bodies, not located up in our heads or in some other, you know, place, right? So yeah, just, just totally relax with it. Have fun with it. And you know, bodies make some pretty funny noises when you're in certain positions and that's all just part of it.
Yeah. Yeah. [00:33:00] I, I've been studying Tantra for a number of years now. And one of the the lessons that I learned in the beginning from my Tantra instructor is in order to have tantric sex, you first want to have holistic sex, which means looking at, Like, how can you experience all of the emotions in a sexual space?
Like, how can you invite in sadness into sex? How can you move through anger through sex? And also it's like, how can you move through giggles and laughter and joy within sex? And yeah, that's just something that I will never forget learning the experience of and inviting in more emotions. Into the experience.
Oh, absolutely. Cause that's another thing is too many people expect sex to be the same all the time in a sense that It's always got to be serious or it's always got to be this or it's always got to be that. And the reality is, is that we're not always in the same mood or even the same person every time we show up for sex.
So how can we expect sex to be exactly the same all the time? My wife and I used to laugh about it all the time because sometimes we would just get, [00:34:00] she used to call it silly sex. Because we would just somebody would say something and just crack a joke and we would just be laughing hysterically So we'd be making love and talking the whole time and laughing hysterically about it And and we would just look at each other and she'd be like it's apparently silly sex night.
I'm like, yeah it is Right, and that's how it is sometimes
I love that. Yeah, it's like sometimes dinner conversations are silly and playful and deep and hard and same thing about sex. I think so often, I know I've said this a number of times on the show, but we like throw out the normal. rules and views of life when it comes to sex. And sometimes I just don't understand why that is necessarily.
It's like how we do everything else suddenly shifts with how we approach sex. And I don't know if you have an answer to that, but I'm still looking for.
I mean, you know, why why do we suddenly think sex is different from anything else and why do we treat it differently honestly, I I don't know why other than [00:35:00] I think that we just we, we build it up too much in our minds, right? You know, we, we, we create these massive expectations about what it's supposed to be.
And I think that negatively affects the experience.
Yeah. Yeah. It's a good point. Putting so much pressure on something to be a certain way. Makes it probably a lot harder to be that way that you want it to be. I'm really wondering right now in this moment, if I know we're talking about having sex and you know, not everyone is having sex all of the time.
And so if someone isn't in a state of having the opportunity to have sex, or maybe they're in between relationships or, you know, just haven't for whatever reason maybe what is something that they can do to, I guess, maintain connection with their sexual energy or their sexual side of themselves or really to move through that period of sexlessness.
I guess that was the word.
Yeah, that is actually [00:36:00] a fantastic question. Because one of the questions I get often when, you know, a man wants to work with me is, one of the first questions he has is I mean, should I really bother to work with you right now because I'm not in a relationship? Maybe I, maybe I should just wait until I get a girlfriend.
And I'm like, no, no, now is the time. Fix all your problems now. Before you get into a relationship, so you don't screw the relationship up, right? Yeah, it doesn't matter if you are in a relationship or not, you can always maintain a connection to your own sexuality. What is one of the ways that we can do that?
Whether you're a man or a woman, always, always, always, I recommend, have a masturbation practice. There's nothing wrong with masturbation. Your, your palms aren't gonna turn hairy, you're not gonna go to hell. It's perfectly okay. But here's the thing, because a lot of men will say I have a masturbation practice.
Maybe, but probably your masturbation practice is you put on porn and in three minutes you ejaculate to porn and then you move on to whatever else you're going to [00:37:00] do, watch TV shows or whatever. If you really want to maintain a connection to your sexuality and your sexual energy, you have to make it a practice, not just I'm going to release the pressure valve a little bit.
You need to make it a practice, so take the time. I know a lot of guys are going to roll their eyes at this. Women don't at all, because women do this all the time. Women will, women will pour themselves a bath, and they'll get in, and they'll relax, and, you know, after the bath, they'll put lotion on, and then they'll, they might get their wand out, and they'll make it like a whole thing, right?
Not always, but, but often they will. Men go straight to the utilitarian I'm going to rub one out real quick and be done with it. I suggest that men, if you are not in a relationship or you are not having regular sex, take the time to really foster the connection with your sexual energy. And if you're, if you're listening to that and you're thinking, Why in the world would I want to do that?
I'll tell you why. Because how you train is how you perform in the real event, [00:38:00] right? So if you take the time to slow down, you know, turn the lights down a little bit, right? Get comfortable, you know, use some lube if you want, use some toys if you want, but turn it into a practice. Now of course, one of the downsides to porn, and I'm not 100 percent against porn, but I, I know, I can see cause I work with men all the time, the, potential negative downsides if used incorrectly. One of the things that it does is, and this is the same for most men's masturbation practice, is it actually teaches you to ejaculate faster. One of the things that you can do when you're doing this masturbation practice to connect to your sexuality is use that practice as a way to train your body to last longer.
So one of the key practices that I teach when I coach clients and is also in my courses at power of mastery dot com is something called the mindful masturbation practice. And that's a whole practice. There's a bunch of steps, but it's to be mindful about the practice and to retrain [00:39:00] your body to be able to last longer.
So what you should be able to do in that practice, It is masturbate and eventually get to the point where you can have multiple male orgasms. Yes, they do exist. If you're listening to this and you're like, Oh yeah, I've heard about that. That doesn't exist. It does exist just like the G spot exists, by the way, guys. You can get to that point where you can continually move the energy and have multiple orgasms and then decide whether or not at the end of this practice you want to ejaculate or you don't want to ejaculate, but that's one way that you can maintain a connection with your sexuality, move sexual energy on a regular basis, train your body so that when you do finally end up in a relationship, you're not starting from square one again, right?
Yeah. Yeah. I don't know why when you were describing that, the training aspect of it, I had this vision of it's the off season you're in between, like you might get traded to a new team and you really got to train. [00:40:00] Yeah.
There's literally no difference. You, you think professional athletes when they're off season are just sitting on their butts, you know, drinking soda and eating crap food all the time? No, they're training in between.
Yeah. Yeah. Amazing. Oh my goodness. Okay. Okay. I would love to just check in and see if there's anything that I haven't asked you that you think would be important to share as we've moved through this journey today.
We're, we're primarily today talking about sex with men. And if I could really impart anything from this conversation to the men who are listening, it's that sex has the potential to be absolutely amazing, like out of this world amazing. If you want it to be, but it's going to take a little bit of work.
You're going to have to relearn some stuff that you think you already know. You're gonna have to learn some stuff that you don't know. You're gonna have to unlearn some stuff that you know, right? But [00:41:00] anything else, if you want to be good at it, it takes practice. You know, everybody, everybody just wants to be like the child phenom who just pops out and is amazing at whatever the thing is, you know, there's an amazing musician, they're four years old, look at them go, you know, and it's that is not reality.
for 99. 99 percent of the population. If you want to get good at something, you have to take the time to study it and learn about it. So that can mean watching my videos on my YouTube channel or listening to your podcast or my podcast that could be hiring a coach that could be reading books, right?
There's a ton of things going to workshops. There's a lot of things that you could do. potentially do to get better at sex for your benefit and for your partner's benefit.
Yeah. Yeah. Thanks for sharing that. And in light of knowing that you have so much more information and someone's made it this far in the podcast, which I know many of the men have where can they go to learn more from you if they're ready to really take their sex life [00:42:00] to a deeper, higher level?
Yeah, the best place and the sort of hub for all things in my world is my website. It's kevinandselene. com. So from there, you can find out how to work with me. You can find my podcast. You can find my YouTube channel. There is something called the Passion Vault, which is a free library you can sign up for that has tons of free resources.
It's literally a whole library of stuff that's free. So you can just go, there's videos in there, PDFs in there, all this stuff that you can just go, , take for free. You can also find my online courses, you can find it on my website, but you can also go directly to powerandmastery. com. So Power and Mastery is my online courses, which is basically men's sexual mastery.
So there's three courses there. There's power up your erections, which is helping men with erectile dysfunction. There's master your ejaculation, which is helping men with premature ejaculation. And then there's sexual mastery, which is, you know, okay, once you've got the, the gear functioning, it's like, how do you really take it to the [00:43:00] next level?
So it's all the skills to really be a sexual master. And if you buy the full package, you get all of it together in one. And it's basically a one stop shop for becoming a master lover.
Who doesn't want that? It's amazing. Well, Yeah, Kevin, thank you so much for coming on the show. It's been such a joy to have you in to just scratch the surface of all of the amazing things that you have learned in our sharing along the way.
Thank you for having me, I had a lot of fun.
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