How to Prepare for a Conversation Around Sex with a Woman
Why is it SO hard for us to talk about sex? Here is how to prepare for a conversation about your sex life.
In this episode, you’ll learn 8 specific strategies to prepare for and conduct these conversations effectively. Whether you are fresh into a new relationship wanting to explore something kinky and new or you have been in a relationship for years struggling to keep your sex life alive…this episode is for you!
Key Topics:
00:14 The Benefits of Discussing Sexual Desires
00:31 Common Concerns and How to Approach Them
01:01 Seven Tips for a Successful Sex Conversation
02:13 Understanding Your Desires
05:04 Setting the Stage for the Conversation
08:46 Navigating the Conversation
11:21 Framing the Conversation Positively
13:10 Starting Broad and Checking In
16:19 Keeping Requests Positive
19:09 Less is More: Focusing on One Thing at a Time
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Have you ever considered that having sex can be less intimate than having a face to face conversation about sex? I mean, really? Why is it so hard for us to talk about sex? And the truth is there is such a benefit to doing this research actually shows that couples who openly discuss sexual issues and sexual desires and fantasies. Have more fulfilling relationships and more satisfying sex lives. What do you do if you have a fantasy that you want to play out? Or you have an area of your sex life that is lacking, or you really have a desire to simply have more sex. How do you approach this topic? Especially, if you are worried that your partner, that you're a woman, that your girlfriend is going to be uncomfortable talking about it. Maybe. You even tried having this conversation before and she gets really [00:01:00] defensive and shuts down.
In this episode, we are going to cover seven specific ways to prepare you to have the best possible sex conversation that you can have. Whether you are in a fresh dating relationship, that's starting to get steamy. Or you're in a long-term marriage. It is beginning to. Feel stale. This episode is going to be for you.
Okay, you guys let's talk about. Getting some. [00:02:00]
Now before I share these seven tips, I want to touch on the understanding that every person and every relationship is truly different. You are at different places. Maybe you've been together for years, maybe you haven't slept together yet.
Maybe it's been years since you've had sex. Each of these different dynamics is going to carry their own variability and their own needs. So take these tips and use what works for you and leave what doesn't resonate.
So with that, the very first thing. When it comes to preparing to have a conversation about sex with a woman is to [00:03:00] know. What you actually want to talk about to be very specific. So the most unproductive work meetings are the ones when the organizer has no real agenda or no clear topic, right. You sit down and you're like, what are we doing here?
The same is true here. Until you're in touch with what you really desire. Any conversation that you initiate with your partner about sex probably will not be productive. You're likely to approach them with this sky high expectation and with zero specifics, which is going to set both of you up for failure. So think about it. There's always these classic bedroom moments where you're in the middle of a passionate, sexy embrace, and they turn to you and say, what do you want? She's like, what do you want? Or maybe you turned to her and you're like, Hey baby what do you want me to do to you? And these moments, a lot of people would just freeze up and think I have no. Fucking idea what I want.
And if you don't know what you want, actually take some [00:04:00] time to. Learn about what interests you, , you can use books, you can use movies, you can use this podcast to spark your imagination, to spark your inspiration and actually. I'll put a link in the show notes to a BDSM checklist that goes over yeses, nos, maybes.
And whether you're into that kind of intimacy or not, it can actually be a really helpful tool for you to get. A deeper understanding of maybe a fantasy that you have, or a desire that you have, and you can use that checklist as a way to. Take that into the next to take that into this conversation. Try making a list of things that you know, that you like. No matter how small and really build from there.
And then from that, when you've identified, what it is that you want more of, or maybe less of, or what you want to change. No, that is the very specific thing that you're going to bring into this conversation. So thinking it, thinking about it, like a business meeting, thinking about it from the sense of, if I could have one clear goal [00:05:00] from this conversation, what would it be?
Or if I have one. No, this is lame to think about it like this, but if you have one clear agenda item, what would it be? That's what you're going to go with. Now you want to set a date? No one appreciates a sneak attack. Okay. We do not like being surprised. No one wants to be pouring their cup of coffee in the morning and hear their partner say I'm not satisfied with our sex life.
Let's talk about it right now. That. Opening is likely going to lead to shut down. It's going to lead to panic or it's going to lead to a fight, right? That's no bueno. No. Thank you. No grass. Yes.
So having a plan really allows you to make sure that you'll be in a comfortable private place. It's also increases the chances that he'll actually follow through. Right? You can't back down.
If you set up a date and a time and a place to have this conversation. And it's really going to help reduce the chances of a massive blow up happening. Right. Let's say. Let's say that you've been frustrated for a while. Maybe you're [00:06:00] not having the sex that you want to have. Maybe you're not having the frequency of sex that you want to have.
And it's been stewing in you. You're becoming frustrated, you're becoming irritable, you're getting kind of resentful, angry, whatever, all of the things. And let's say that you're out at a party or you're at a restaurant and something. Clicks. And it brings all of this up in you and it's you just. Have to say it in that moment.
And. It can be uncomfortable and it can be challenging to address, you know, blow job frequency or your woman's blow job techniques at a restaurant when there are children or grandparents and the tables next to you, or maybe you're at a party. And you've say a comment that's really. Jarring in front of. Your partner's friends are in front of your friends, right?
It creates this dynamic that nobody wants, including you. Saving yourself from that blow over, saving yourself from those little. Seeping through the cracks comments. Saying, Hey, I want to take [00:07:00] some time for us to have a conversation about our intimate life. And here's the thing. When you go about doing this, it might seem. Oh God, I don't want to schedule this or, oh, this is like an awkward thing for me to bring up. You want to say it as though you're ordering a sandwich?
You want to bring it up? Like you're at a cafe. I'm going to have a Turkey club. Hey, let's find some time this week to talk about our sex life. Hey, I want to have the Rubin. With the side of Ozu dressing. Oh, let's talk about. Getting more intimate with each other this Wednesday night. What do you think. Right.
You want to approach it with a sense of calm, with a sense of this isn't that big of a deal because what's going to happen. The way that you bring it up is the way that it's likely going to be received. So when you approach the request to have this conversation from a calm place, She's more likely to receive it from a calm place. And, , also if you're feeling [00:08:00] hesitant, you can even share this podcast episode and say, Hey. I stumbled across this podcast episode.
And it got me thinking about how great it would be for us to talk about our sex life a little bit more. Like I am so into you. And I would love for us to have. To explore maybe a different type of conversation together. What do you think, how does that feel for you? Okay. You know what you're going to talk about. You brought it up, you know, what's happening, it's on the calendar.
You know, what's going down this Wednesday night.
When you start this conversation, it can be really helpful to actually simply name or acknowledge the awkwardness.
Just own that it's awkward from the beginning. There's this phrase in therapy. Name it to tame it. Because when you say out loud, The thing that you're thinking or feeling it. Softens the charge around it. You've put it on the table.
It's out there. It's no longer hiding beneath the shadows. It's no longer this elephant in the room. [00:09:00] You could even say something like. I haven't spoken about this in a really long time and I'm actually uncomfortable bringing it up right now, but I adore you so much and I'm really excited to have this conversation about our sex life together. Moving through saying that. It does a couple of things. One, it. Hopefully we'll help you feel calmer, feel less uncomfortable. It will also, there's this commonality, right? If you're the one that's broaching this topic and your girl is sitting over here, she's probably feeling uncomfortable.
She's probably nervous. But then the fact that you say that. It gives her the permission to also feel okay with the fact that she's a little uncomfortable. And once you're both in that place, it actually becomes more comfortable. So naming it. And, , I think in the example that I gave of letting them know, Hey, like I adore you and I'm excited to talk to you about this. It moves the emotion from [00:10:00] uncomfortability, from awkwardness into connection.
Right. And a couple of different ways you can phrase this is you know, maybe it's you want to talk about. How you aren't having sex. Maybe you've been together for a while now. And sex is becoming less and less of a thing. You would say. I haven't wanted to bring this up because I know how uncomfortable it can be for both of us.
And I really want to understand you better. And I hope that. In this conversation, we can become closer and we can understand each other better.
Right. Just naming that. And I think this leads into the fifth. Tip here, the fifth piece of preparing for a conversation around sex with your woman, which is. Framing the conversation as a way to actually deepen your relationship, not necessarily a way for you to complain or dissect your sex life. So it's all about how you frame things. Having the courage to initiate a conversation about [00:11:00] SACS really signals how much you value the relationship and care about making a better. So if your partner becomes insecure or defensive, You can remind them that you're starting this conversation.
Not because something is wrong. But because your feelings for them are, you know, they're oh, so right. You can even open the conversation by saying something like, Hey, babe. I love what we have and it gets me excited to see where else we can go in this part of our relationship.
I would love to feel closer to you. You aren't even framing it. Like it's about sex, you're framing it. Like I want us to be closer. And if she is someone that craves more emotional connection, or maybe she's someone that has more of a responsive sex. Response. Meaning that she. I likely needs to be. Invited into sexual desire. So framing. Not only from a positive lens, but framing it from, so [00:12:00] framing the conversation from this space of. Deepening your connection, deepening our relationship, building more intimacy. As opposed to just Hey, I want to fuck more.
Right. Which.
Is going to likely come if you have a deeper relationship, if you are more connected, if you're building your intimacy. It's all about. How you frame things, you guys. Number six. We have two more to go here. You want to start broad? And check in with your girl along the way. Sure. You brought up the idea to talk.
You have a specific agenda, but chances are, they also have opinions and ideas of their own, right? So asking questions that start from a broad place and become more specific and asking questions that help you get information from them. Is also going to be helpful and may actually be await, ease into the conversation.
So instead of you saying, Hey, let's sit down and talk about these things and I'm really unhappy with. [00:13:00] You can say, Hey. How are you feeling about our sex life right now? Just wanted to start off and get a pulse. If we were to rate it on a one to 10 scale, where would you rate it right now? Interesting. Or asking how much pleasure are you getting from our sex life right now? Or what do you like most about our sex life? Is there anything you've. Been afraid to share about your sexual desires. That you want to share in this moment?
And then as you ease into the conversation and as you start to express something that you want to share, I think it's valuable and it can be really helpful to check in with them. So this looks like saying, Hey, there's something that I love to explore with you. It is it okay if I tell you about it? So it says, look. Some of these communication techniques. Could be perceived as [00:14:00] manipulative, however, If you're using them for the betterment of your relationship for the betterment of your sex life, I say, go for it. An important thing here is. To check in that.
They're okay with hearing it because if you say, Hey, I want to share something with you and you just go straight into it. That could be overwhelming. That could be perceived as you not caring about whether they want to hear it. So w you want to pause and add in that question? Is it okay if I tell you about it?
Chances are she's going to say yes.
Like high probability, she will say yes to hearing that. And when you ask her that question and you give her the opportunity to say yes or no, she'll be more receptive and she'll feel more as though it was her choice and her interest to hear about what it is that your. What. To hear about what it is that you're sharing. Okay. So we're starting broad.
We're checking in along the way as you're sharing. You're not only getting information from her, [00:15:00] but you're making sure that she is a continued yes. For the conversation. So it's yes. I'm willing to have a conversation with you about sex. Yes. I'm willing to share with you about my desires. Yes. I'm interested in hearing about your desire.
So getting that yes. Along the way.
You guys. I lied. I have eight. I have two more.
Number seven. You want to keep your requests? Phrased. And a positive. I like to think of a conversation as a fight for what you ultimately want. This is not a, you versus her. This is not a, your desires versus her and willingness. This is a you two together. Fighting for. The ultimate betterment of your sex life. And as soon as you can start looking at this conversation from that. [00:16:00] Direction as though you are a team fighting for something. Building together towards something. The better, it will go.
And the best way to go about doing this often.
It's not to place any blame. It's not to vent. Frustrations is not to. Dissect what hasn't been working. Sure it can feel really could to be like, look, you never want to have sex. All you ever want to do is be a little pillow, princess and lay there and just take it and never do anything. I'm doing all of the work I'm initiating all of them.
that could feel really great because you're getting to vent and you're getting to express your perspective and you're getting to sale of these things that are really valid and true. But. If you have a desire for more sex, if you ever desire to increase the variability, the fantasies, the exploration. This is not the strategy to take.
[00:17:00] Okay. You want to always come back to what you ultimately want and ask yourself. What is the best way I can get what I want here. What is the best way for me to communicate such that. My goals in this conversation are reached. And, you know, as much as I do that, venting and complaining and being angry. Isn't going to be the way to get there. So instead. Going back to that framing, going back to that positive phrasing. Oh, babe.
I love you so much. And I am so incredibly attracted to you. That I would love to try something that I've never tried with anyone before, because I knew it would be so special with you. She's going to be like, oh, You think I'm that special, right? Or.
Baby girl. Whatever your nickname is for her. Cutie patootie hunting drop lemon. Do I don't know? I trust you so much that there are a [00:18:00] couple of things I'd like to try and share with you. Or I've been really enjoying our intimate moments together. And I was actually thinking about how great it could feel if.
Right.
That's going to be received better than I'm so sick of the way that.
Okay. And finally. The final piece here is that in beginning? Conversations about sex. You want to think that less is actually more so as you begin to have more in-depth conversations about your intimacy, really stick with a single topic at the time to keep it simple, keep it clear. If you feel yourself. Becoming overwhelmed.
Within the conversation, be ready to take breaks. And, you know, I think a really slow and steady approach can help make the topic feel less overwhelming. So instead of showing up with a list of all the [00:19:00] things that aren't going well, all of the things that she isn't doing, or all of the times you were rejected when trying to initiate. Right.
Whatever it is, you know, recognize that this is not a battlefield. With a scoreboard.
Instead. Going back to that very first piece of our conversation today and picking one single thing to start with. And think about, I think about it like this. What is the one thing that you could ask for or address that is first of all, really important to you? And second of all, something reasonable that you think. She could manage that as attainable that is appropriate.
And also, you know, I like to think about it and there's a book that's called that one thing. What's the one thing that's gonna make the biggest impact. Maybe it is initiating more. Maybe she never initiates and that to you. Kind of creates this cascade of effects. Maybe that's the one thing, maybe the one thing is that you really want to explore anal play.
That's the one thing that's [00:20:00] going to make all things feel a little bit different, a little bit better. Find that one thing. And focus on that to begin with. And look, if you have a more reserved girlfriend or wife, Or a partner. Jump in jumping in to ask to go to a sex party and have a threesome as your very first sex talk. Might be received with a shock. She might shut down.
So you want to. Really gauge. And this is where it's so different and unique, independent on the partner and the relationship and all the things. So finding something that's an edge for her that you feel would be received.
It's so interesting. And I read this book years ago called the talent code and it was basically an analysis of all of these incredible high-performing geniuses athletes, artists. And basically came to uncover that one of the most important pieces for these people's success [00:21:00] was that they lived on this edge of constantly living on the line of things being just hard enough, but not so hard that they fell flat on their face every single time, but it was hard enough. That it wasn't easy. But they could continually take tiny steps forward.
And I think the same is true here.
If you have an issue you want to address, instead of saying all of them,
Pick one. And I'll say this. Because this will likely happen, right? Let's say that you, I just want to address one thing with you and she goes, look, Just tell me everything. And she's really defeated and she's down on herself and you're reading that and she's kind of looking okay, fine. Just tell me all of the things that I'm doing wrong.
I just want to know. You want to consider the long game here? Do you want to dump everything all at once? Do you think she's up to receive that? And if not, you can say You know, there. Are definitely more ways that we can connect. We can explore or expand [00:22:00] this part of our relationship. And I think it's more than I think that we have talked about more than enough for right now.
I love to keep this conversation going in the future. So we both got what we want and desire. How does that feel for you? So you're not saying no, I'm not going to ever tell you everything that's going on. However, I want us to make this more of a. Back and forth conversation. I want us to keep moving forward and also I'm happy with what we just discussed, even if it is just one thing. Okay.
Going back to that job conversation.
Going back to. That work analogy. Say you got an interview you're asking for a raise. And I never forgot. I was. So going back to that, the job analogy, I will never forget. There was a point in time in my life when I was working for this massive corporation and I wanted to have a conversation about race and I was [00:23:00] trying to figure out ways to bring this up.
And I learned the phrase.
And I learned. And I learned in that. That when talking about a raise, when talking about trying to get a promotion or something of that nature, that advances your career, you want to come from the lens of a single question, which is what will this do for the company? Sure right. You're my goal was to get hired.
Sure. Maybe your goal is to get hired, but what does that mean for the company rep? The company representative that's sitting across from you during the interview. You want to speak from that space and the same is true here. So sure your goal is to have more better, whatever sex, but. What does that mean for the relationship?
What does that mean for the woman sitting across from you? You want to speak from that place? Right. So for example, let's say that you want to try out a new fantasy or you want to. Try something new together. You could say, I would love for us to get [00:24:00] closer and explore something different and see how it expands our love. Coming from the lens of what will this do for our relationship?
What will this do for my partner? Let's say that you want to have more sex.
Hey, babe. I was thinking about what sex means to me, and I recognize that. It's really this time where I can feel really close to you. And I would love to feel close to you more often. How do you feel about that?
Okay. Let's say that you have been dating someone for really a while and you want to become exclusive.
Hey, I have really been enjoying being intimate with you, and I would love to explore what it's like for us to be exclusive together. I'm so curious. To know what that could possibly do for our intimacy.
Right. Throughout all of this continued to view the conversation through the lens of [00:25:00] moving your relationship into a new sexier, deeper direction. Yes. This is totally about you and your needs. And.
If you approach it from the angle of making your relationship better of making the sex life for her, better of making her. And your relationship improve. That's a win for you. It's a win for her and it's a win for your dynamic as one. You guys, I hope that this has been helpful. I was wrong. It wasn't seven.
It was eight ways to prepare for a conversation around having sex with a woman, talking about sex is a whole thing. And I really hope that you can take something away from this conversation. The next time you're approaching talking about sex with your girl.
And I would love to hear how it goes, what comes up for you?
And again, please let me know if you have any questions, any topics that you want covered on the show. Please take a moment. Head on over [00:26:00] to the naked connection.com backslash question and submit your question to be answered anonymously on the podcast. My guys. I love you so much. Thank you for tuning in and until next time. Let's get some.