The Secret Reasons Why You’re Excited by Cuckolding
Cuckolding is a sexual kink that many people have..but why?
In this week's episode, Kirsten breaks down sexual desires like cuckolding and group sex- from the psychological and physiological reasons that drive these desires to the steps to accept, embrace, and invite these fantasies into your sex life.
Whether you are curious about cuckolding or feel shame around a secret desire you have, this episode has something for you. Let's get some!
Key Topics
00:00 A Shocking Introduction to Cuckolding
00:28 Exploring the Taboo: Cuckolding and Group Sex
01:07 The Psychology Behind Taboo Desires
02:48 The Science of Arousal and Danger
05:51 Understanding Cuckolding: A Deep Dive
08:15 The Role of Dominance and Competition in Sexual Fantasies
12:00 Embracing and Exploring Your Sexual Fantasies
13:25 Creative Ways to Channel Your Desires
16:40 Conclusion: Embrace Your Desires and Get Creative
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] You walk into your apartment after a long day at work and boom, your girl is in the living room. She's wearing lingerie. She's on the couch. And she is having sex with another man. Now, does the idea of this make you a little bit aroused? Well, welcome To cuckolding. In this episode, we are going to break down cuckolding and group sex, the reasons why you might desire these sexual acts and ways to either make them a reality or a fantasy that you can wildly enjoy.
Welcome back to the naked connection. This is the show that supports driven men to reach sexual mastery and build deep connections. This is Kirsten. You're soon to be licensed sex therapist. And today we are going to get really taboo. [00:01:00] So grab your girl, grab your cuckold and let's get some.
So why? Do we have twisted desires? Why are we drawn to taboo things like group sex? Because after all, we've grown up being told that sex should be between two people, not two people and some guy named Brad, [00:02:00] right? And forbidden acts like cuckolding or group sex have a very special power to arouse us. And you might wonder, why is that?
Because unlike a guy being attracted to a nice rack or a juicy butt, transgression is this sneaky psychological stimulus that can, yes, impart sexual arousal and desire. And so what makes this connection between this transgression and this arousal? It's actually. a cork in our brain's wiring system. So let's take a moment and actually break this down a little bit.
Your sympathetic nervous system, which is the part of your body and your nervous system that is responsible for activating fight or flight response, it readies your body for action, right? So think [00:03:00] physiologically, it's speeding up your heart rate. It's increasing blood flow to your muscles, and it's actually driving deeper breaths into your body.
And the sympathetic nervous system also controls something else. Orgasm. Yes. So, can you become aroused from transgression, from something taboo or something scary? The answer is yes. No, this is really crazy, but I'm in grad school studying to become a sex therapist. And we learned about a study where psychologists actually tested out the hypothesis of whether something scary can actually enhance arousal.
And in this study, they use two bridges. So just to hang with me here, cause that might sound weird. They use two bridges in the study. One was a suspension bridge. So think 450 feet off the ground. Low hand rails. It's wobbly. It's rickety. It's old. You know, if you fell off [00:04:00] this bridge, you would probably fall to your death.
Now, the other bridge that they used in this study, it was wide. It was firm. It was 10 feet off the ground. It's safe. It's stable. Okay. And on each of these bridges stood an attractive female interviewer. She would approach men on the bridge and as they crossed their respective bridge, she would ask them to write a brief description based on a picture of a young woman so they could use whatever creative ideas they had.
They got a photo of a woman and then they had to create a description, a story, whatever came to them. Additionally, this interviewer, she would offer her phone number to each man. in case he wanted to talk further. So she would basically say, Hey, if you want to talk any more about the study or you want to connect, here's my phone number.
So what did they find? Well, men on the rickety [00:05:00] anxiety, provoking dangerous bridge wrote stories with significantly more sexual content than the men that were on the safe bridge. And. Half of the men on the dangerous rickety bridge actually called the attractive woman later on while only 10 percent of the men that were on the safe bridge contacted her.
And they actually found that increased danger actually enhances sexual arousal in men. So anything that's perceived as dangerous or taboo, whether it's physically dangerous or even socially or culturally risky or a violation can actually simultaneously activate your fight or flight response and also enhance your sexual arousal.
So let's cue cuckolding. Let's bring cuckolding into the equation here. Why might you be aroused by it? Why might it be a fantasy that you have? [00:06:00] In case you aren't aware, cock holding is when a man gets turned on by watching his wife, his girl, his partner have sex with another man or other men. And in order to understand why you might crave this fantasy to be reality, we have to first look at sexual jealousy.
You guys, evolution has gifted you amazing men with a challenge. Unlike women, a man can never be certain of his paternity. I mean, now in modern times, yes, we have paternity tests, but actually there was this interesting study that found that from 2007 to 2008, there were about 3, 500 paternity claims brought up by the British child support agency.
So for a full year in Britain, 3, 500 paternity claims were made. And 20 percent of those claims [00:07:00] found that yes, the man that was raising the child wasn't actually the biological father. You might think that's only 20%, but if you're one of those 20%, if you're roughly the one in four men that had one of these claims and you found out that this child wasn't yours biologically, that's a lot in terms of time investment, emotional investment, financial investment for a kid that isn't biologically yours.
So. This is really a major part of what drives sexual jealousy. Sexual jealousy is really, it motivates a man to actually conduct detective work to look for cues that a woman or a partner is being promiscuous. And you know, it's funny this could even be why OJ. Was on trial for murder. We'll never know.
Right? And look, if this is the case, then why is cuckolding such an exciting and [00:08:00] highlighted popular porn search online? In fact, cuckolding is actually the second highest heterosexual interest on search engines on the internet. It's the second highest. So you might be thinking, okay, well, why would someone be turned on by that?
This is where we now invite in a group, a new ingredient, which is dominance. Why are guys turned on by watching a dominant masculine man have sex with his partner, with his girl, with his wife? Why maybe you might ask yourself, why am I turned on by watching a dominant masculine man have sex with my girl, or fantasizing about it, or thinking about it?
It really comes down to competition, just like athletes fighting to win a race, fighting to win a game. Your sperm are also in a fight. They are competing. They want to win. So there have been behavioral adaptations that actually enable a man's sperm [00:09:00] to compete quite literally head to head with another man's sperm, all in the fight of ultimately impregnating a woman's egg, right?
So if a man believes or suspects that his partner may have been with another man, then this behavioral adaptation takes over and actually propels him to have sex with her more quickly and more vigorously than usual. The arousal is the key. heightened as a result of this competition to win. The more dominant the potential rival is, also the stronger the sperm competition cue is and actually the more intense the arousal becomes.
So the more dominant the man is, the more vigorous the ejaculation will be, which is really interesting because when looking at studies where they actually evaluated porn that had cuckolding in it. The individual, which is the cuckold, so the man that's having sex with the woman while the husband or the boyfriend watches, [00:10:00] he is typically, if not always, significantly more dominant in stature and build and physique and appearance and penis size than the other man is.
So the more dominant a threat of a man is, the more sexually aroused the husband will become. This is just, it blows my mind when I think about these things and when I learn about these things, which is why I was really excited to share all of this with you, because I think that this phenomenon, it isn't just for cock holding, it's also for group sex.
So this is often why there will be. Many men in a scene competing for a single female. So there's actually been, if you look at things analytically from the back end of pornography searches, there are more videos created where there is group sex with a large number of men in less than a minute. And one, if not a few women versus a lot of women and a few men.
[00:11:00] And it's largely driven also by this same sort of phenomenon that larger sexual arousal is enhanced when there's more competition in your sperm competition is actually competing against one another to win. When people say that life is not a game, they are lying. When people say that everything is not a competition, they are also lying.
Life is a game and everything is a competition. From my perspective. So if you're a man and you fantasize about group sex with a bunch of men, this might be why. Okay. And interestingly, studies have found that men fantasize about group sex more often than women do. And men imagine larger numbers of men in group sex fantasies than women do.
So looking at all of this, what are we supposed to consider? What are you supposed to do with this information? You're like, okay, Kirsten, that's cool, but so what? [00:12:00] Well, I think it's important to recognize that your fantasies and desires can really be rooted in physiological and biological factors, right?
So much shame and embarrassment and secrecy can be generated from our desires. And I think that when you can understand better why physically or emotionally. Psychologically, you might be turned on by something. It creates a level of ease to which you can move through that experience and maybe even accept it or, in fact, embrace it.
Also, I think fantasies and desires can be something that really scare us, you know. Maybe you don't like that you've been aroused by that thought or the visual of a large group of horny men having sex with one woman. You might think that's a weird thing to have in your mind. Which is why I think understanding the possible roots to these fantasies can be really settling.
And also, you know, it's [00:13:00] possible that this sort of fantasy, for example, could be really a testament to, you know, your sexual health and your sexual functioning. Understanding that, hey, my body is having a biological response that's actually demonstrating that like my erection system, my ejaculatory system is really online and functioning well.
I think it's also offers a lot of opportunity to take this information, understanding what it is that you desire and getting creative with it. So maybe You know, like actually living out the fantasy of a cuckold or the fantasy of group sex isn't something that you actually want, but you can pull elements of this into your sex life, right?
So maybe inviting something in that sparks your sympathetic nervous system to come online. So generating some sort of. Controlled risk. So whether that's going out on your own, [00:14:00] your rickety bridge, or, you know, bringing something risky into your life that brings arousal for you. So this could even be something like going out and doing a risky sport like mountain biking down a really steep hill or surfing a really huge wave and then coming back to your girl and like, Using that risk, using that activation of your sympathetic nervous system to step into a sexual experience and really enjoy in that heightened state of arousal that you've put yourself in.
One example that comes to my mind is if you watched the show Breaking Bad, after the main character would go out and do some wild risky behavior, I think I remember him burning down a big building where one of the main head honchos of the drug organization was working. Like every single time he would go out into the world and do something very risky, he would come home and have just crazy vigorous sex with his wife and she'd be like, what is happening?
That is a perfect example [00:15:00] of using This sympathetic nervous system activation to generate more arousal within your body. Now, I am by no means saying go become a drug lord. However, I'm saying inspiration to be used, you know, or Another option is maybe, let's say that you want to explore what it feels like to feel that threatened response with your girlfriend or your wife, but you don't actually want her to have sex with somebody else, but you like the idea of it or you like the fantasy of it.
Well, maybe you both decide to play a game and you go out to a bar and she's going to go flirt with some guys and you're going to watch from afar. And then when you feel like I really want to step in or I'm feeling like I'm starting to become aroused by this or, you know, feeling really activated, you can walk up to her and take her home.
And enjoy that experience. You know, there's, I doubt anyone listening to [00:16:00] this. I've seen this show, but when I was in high school, I watched the show called Gossip Girl. Yes, I know. And one of the couples in that show would actually do this where she, and it flipped the roles, but she would watch him hit on other women because she would be aroused by it.
And then as soon as it got just far enough, she would walk in and then they would leave and go have really passionate sex. So I think it's, Taking what it is that you desire and getting a deeper understanding of what might be creating it so that you can sit more comfortably in it, accept it, feel excited about it, and then maybe even getting creative and pulling aspects of it into your sexual life.
So, There's so much incredible science that moves within sex and there's so much incredible connections between our bodies and our minds and our desires. So I wanted to share this with you today. So get out there, maybe enjoy some group [00:17:00] sex, enjoy fantasizing about cock holding, get after it. I cannot wait to hear what you think of this episode.
And I know I went a little bit. Off the grid here and got a little bit sciencey before we dove into some of the pieces of it, but would love to hear what you think. I love you guys so, so much. And I'm always so grateful to share what I'm learning and discovering. And you know what, until next time get out there and get some. [00:18:00]