3 Actions To Improve Your Masturbation Habits & Love Life
Am I masturbating too much? Is masturbation getting in the way of having more sex?
In this episode, we will explore the impact of masturbation on relationships and common concerns about masturbation, such as secrecy, dependency, and the potential to reduce intimacy. Tune in to learn 3 actionable steps to improve self-pleasure practices and relationship dynamics.
Here is a place to explore more ways to connect, how to leverage masturbation for deeper connection, and how to amplify your sexual energy - whether you are single or in a committed relationship. Don’t miss this!
Key Topics:
00:00 Introduction: The Impact of Masturbation on Relationships
01:05 Statistics and Commonality of Masturbation
01:51 Masturbation as a Coping Mechanism
04:35 Challenges of Masturbation in Relationships
09:15 Effective Communication About Masturbation
14:11 Exploring Mutual Masturbation
18:12 Experimenting with Masturbation Frequency
22:18 Conclusion and Call to Action
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:00]
How often have you thought about whether your masturbation is impacting your relationship? Maybe masturbation is something that you think you have to do in secret. Right. You have the thought. Ooh. I don't want her to know about this, or maybe you might be worried that masturbation while in a relationship is somehow cheating. Welcome back to the naked connection.
This is the show that supports driven men to reach sexual mastery and build deep connections. This is Kiersten your soon to be licensed therapist. And in this episode, we are going to address the elephant in the room, or should I say. The hand under the covers.
Yes. We are going to determine whether your masturbation behavior is something that's impacting your life and your relationship. And we will walk through three actions that you can take today to improve your relationship and your experience with masturbation. And self-pleasure.
[00:01:00] First off, I want to name this.
There was a study published in the archives of sexual behavior that found that 85% of men in a relationship masturbate regularly. So. You are not alone. My friend. And you might be wondering, but Kiersten, what if my partner finds out well, Hmm, 78% of women in a relationship also engage in solo pleasure.
So the vast majority of people do this, even when in a relationship and the important piece of this conversation, in my opinion, Isn't should you do it? It's more about how does the behavior impact you? And your relationship. Because here's the thing. Masturbation can become a mechanism to regulate your nervous system. You can use it as a tool to reduce boredom. [00:02:00] Disconnection anxiety, loneliness, you know, porn or masturbation really gets to become this device to relieve these emotions to really relieve stress. Think about it. How many times have you turned to masturbation?
Not just because of a sexual urge, but from stress, from feeling anxious, maybe from having a lazy Sunday afternoon with no plans, football isn't on basketball. Isn't on. It's raining outside, . And so you flip on some porn and you masturbate.
And in these moments, masturbation really can be a tool for relief. And this isn't always a bad thing. Right. But if you do find yourself turning to it consistently and really formulating a habit, that's. Ultimately not constructive for you in the long run.
That's when you want to take a pause. And think about it a little bit deeper, and this can really create a dependency, right? This becomes the sole way to alleviate these [00:03:00] undesirable emotions or states of being. And that's really what I think you want to get involved of asking yourself about masturbation more fully. Am I dependent on it?
Is this the only way. For me to relieve this emotion to get out of this state of mind. Sometimes what can happen is this forms really a negative association with sexual activity. You're lonely. So you masturbate. You get relief in that moment and then you still feel lonely. And now you've basically sandwiched this sexual experience in between loneliness. You started lonely, you engage in a sexual activity and now you're still lonely. So we want sex to really be held with an association that you desire, right. You want it to be sandwiched between incredible sensations and beautiful connection.
So even if that is with yourself, So ask yourself. Why do I want to masturbate right now? And what is [00:04:00] driving this urge, this desire, maybe you're really you're really. Aroused. You're really horny. You're really just feeling like, oh my God, a sexual experience would be incredible right now. Amazing because. The thing is that this can be a tool to get back to yourself. Masturbation and self pleasure as a tool for you to connect to your sexual energy, to take time, to really connect. More with yourself and who you are and this sexual. Man that you can be. Even when you're in a relationship. So I want to talk for a moment about when you're in a relationship. What do you do about masturbation?
Well, First, I want to mention that there's kind of two things unfolding here, risk and effort. So in a relationship. There are challenges and there are conflicts, right?
You get in disputes, you get in fights, you go through waves and ups and downs where you feel connected and then you don't. And when you're in that period of challenge or disconnection where maybe you [00:05:00] aren't having sex as often. And you want to stay connected to your sexual arousal, into your sexual energy.
That is when masturbation can be great. Right. Sometimes I think that we can over-index masturbation really, as a means of avoiding having the type of sexual connection that we really want. You know, when we look at masturbation, there is no risk involved, there's limited work. It's just, you, you don't have to do much. You don't have to convince anyone. You don't have to arouse anybody else. It's just you and you alone, but there is a risk involved. And an effort involved in engaging in sexual intimacy with a partner. The more, a man turned towards masturbation when he wants sexual connection or intimacy with his partner. Which that generally takes effort and work.
The more this happens, right? The more that you start to default to masturbation. The more of the stories and the beliefs about your relationship are going to run wild. Those thoughts [00:06:00] of, she doesn't want to have sex with me anymore. She's not attracted to me anymore. I just have a higher sex drive.
She isn't interested in me because she doesn't want to have sex when I do like all of those stories and all of those thoughts start to really spiral. And those are really unfortunate thoughts to have, and that's a really. Bad story to be stuck living in.
So what happens in that moment when you're in that spiral? Maybe you complain. Right. And I get it. You're frustrated. You want to connect? You're not, you're turning towards masturbation. You're still feeling alone. That story is running in the back of your head. Of course, it makes sense to complain. Right.
You're you're frustrated. You're angry. You're annoyed. You're wanting to connect. You're wanting a sexual experience, but at the same time, This is also the fastest way to turn a woman off. In the past, I've [00:07:00] been in a relationship. Where. He wanted to have sex every single day, multiple times a day, if he could. And I wasn't necessarily at that same cadence as him and his reaction was to complain about it was to get mad about it was to put the onus on me.
And yes, in some regards I have to own that. And also. By having that complaining by having that be the dialogue, it actually pushed me further and further and further away from wanting to be intimate with him. And, and that was when I was thinking to myself. Great. Now I definitely don't want to have sex with you.
So, what does this do? This dynamic ends up destroying intimacy. Now building it.
So you find yourself stuck, masturbating, and possibly now feeling even more frustrated, more disconnected, more disappointed. And that's not a fun energy to be in. And that's the cycle continues right? Once we get into these loops, sometimes it can [00:08:00] be so hard to reverse them. It'd be so hard to get out of them. But we can take action. There are things that can be done to shift this dynamic, to move into a different state, not only within your relationship, but also within your relationship with masturbation. So first and foremost,
We're going to talk about communication. You and I are talking about masturbating. You and I are talking about self pleasure right now. Perhaps do the same with your partner. Would you rather your partner walk in on you midway bank and see a look of horror on her face, or would you rather share the truth?
I'm hoping that the ladder is your choice. So when you broach this subject, here's a little, a little trick, a little caveat that you can take that I think will really help you pull your partner towards you, not push her away. So. When you broached the F when you broach the subject, really focus on your feelings and actually [00:09:00] the experience rather than making some kind of accusation.
So for example, you could say, Hey, Sometimes I like to masturbate to relieve stress. And I want to be open with you about that. How does that land for you? How do you feel about that? That is going to be much better than coming up to her and saying, why aren't you satisfying me enough? Why don't you want to have sex with me every single time I want to have sex.
Why don't you want it? As much as me? So remember this is not a competition. This is about understanding and supporting each other when you're communicating. And so if you come into it and say, Hey, I wanted you to know that sometimes. I like to masturbate because it's a great way for me to connect with myself. It's a great way for me to. Alleviate some of the stress in my life.
And I wanted to share that with you. And what's cool here is that maybe she will actually [00:10:00] respond and be like, Hey. Thanks for sharing that. And I, I want to be able to satisfy you more. Maybe that's going to turn a spark on in her mind of like, oh wait, I want to be in on that with you. I want to be the source of your stress relief.
I want to be connected to your sexual experience more. And what a doorway into inviting him more sex into your life, or maybe. It's also going to open up an opportunity for her to say, Hey, I actually do the same thing. And I felt kind of a weird talking about it.
Now you've connected. Now you've created this dialogue that wasn't there previously and, you know, We all live really stressful lives. We all live lives that can be disconnecting. We all have experiences that are so common and sometimes being able to name that and getting out in front of it is going to be so much more supportive for you in the long run, as opposed to holding that and keeping it back because. You know, we. Us humans.
[00:11:00] We run stories in our heads.
A woman might have the same story. If she finds out that you're masturbating all the time, she might create this story like, oh, he doesn't want to have sex with me. He's not interested in me anymore. And now you are both off on two wild stories of your own. So coming back to each other and I know it can be uncomfortable.
I know it can feel weird to talk about. It can also be a great source of change. And actually I'm all about the studies today. For some reason, there was a study in the journal of sexual research that found that couples who openly discuss masturbation actually report higher levels of sexual satisfaction. And relationship satisfaction. So there's some pretty strong caveats here too. Y talking about not only sex with each other, but talking about sex with yourself is so important. And when it comes to having these conversations, when it comes to communication, if you connect with the feeling of it being a secret, not wanting to be caught. Consider [00:12:00] why that is like, why is that a fear that's coming up for you?
Is it something that she genuinely would blame you for? Or is there a level of shame that you might be carrying in sharing this yourself? Sexual shame is something, you know, for a whole episode of its own. But I wanted to add it in because this is something. To really consider reflecting on if this is connecting for you, if you're feeling like damn, I feel like if I talk about masturbating, I'm connecting with me being such a bad person.
If that's kind of, what's landing for you right now. Reflect on that. And if this is intriguing for you, if this is coming up, I would be more than happy to chat with you. Send me a message. Submit a question for us to address on the show. And we'll get into a deeper. So second action you can take. And this one I love, I love, I love is neutral masturbation. Mutual masturbation and it's like a sexy show and tell for adults.
Okay. It's [00:13:00] like attending a master cost into your partner's pleasure. You get to see firsthand what techniques they enjoy. What strokes, what speed, what placement? Like what are they doing? What really turns them on, which can significantly improve your love making skills, if you're there next to her, getting a glimpse into how does she like to touch herself?
How does she like to engage that can really help you? And. On the flip side, she gets to do the same. It's. Incredible. And I also think that mutual masturbation it's really a low risk sexual activity. So. I'll name it. If you're concerned about SDIs, maybe you're newly dating or maybe this is someone that you're just starting to connect with. And maybe you haven't had that conversation yet, and you want to be intimate and you're getting to know each other. This could be a really great option. Or perhaps. If a woman is obsoleting and she's not on birth control. It can be really stressful to enter into a sexual [00:14:00] experience. If you aren't in a place yet ready to potentially get pregnant, you know, that can really put actually both of you into your heads. If you know that there's a high chance of pregnancy right now. This is a beautiful alternative to explore one another sexually and also remain. And child-free right.
I want to name that.
And also sometimes sex can be painful for women. There's pelvic floor pain. There's perhaps pain after giving birth. There's all of these different dynamics where maybe perhaps traditional penetrative sex. Isn't going to feel that greater. Isn't going to feel as good as something else might possibly could.
This is a beautiful way to tap into that together. There was. A study done. I'm all about the studies today. For some reason, it was done by the archive of sexual behavior and they found that couples who engage in mutual masturbation actually
report higher levels of sexual communication [00:15:00] and sexual satisfaction. You know, sometimes I think we get into this place where again, we make up these stories in our minds about what something is, how many times in your life. Did you think about something and you really didn't want to do it. You really thought it was going to be horrible.
You thought it was going to be a very certain kind of way. And then when he went to go do it or experience it. You were like, oh, That was not at all what I thought it was going to be like, or, oh, I really was not bad. That might be the case. Maybe your girl has for reasons of her own. I'm not saying that they're right or wrong.
Come up with a story in her mind about what's happening when you're masturbating. What are you? Kind of porn. Are you watching? What are you doing? Where are you? How often is this happening? And. She's created this odd story. And when you're together and you're masturbating. She gets to experience that with you.
So now if you have this mutual [00:16:00] masturbation, she knows what your masturbation is like.
On some degree, now when you say, Hey, I love to tap into this to connect to myself, to relieve my stress, whatever it is. She can now put an image and an experience and a sensation to what's unfolding for her. So really these first two are really powerful to do. Together.
Also, maybe your girl isn't necessarily feeling sexual. Maybe she's on her period. Maybe she's really stressed out and isn't in the moon tag go fully into Saks. And you are, you're feeling aroused. You're feeling sexual. You want to connect. Perhaps you can build an, a practice where you master beat. While she is with you. Maybe she's kissing you, caressing, you talking dirty to you. You know, and this is a way that she isn't being asked to do something that she doesn't. Wanting to do herself. But she gets to be [00:17:00] present with you.
She gets to be intimate and connect with you while you have this beautiful sexual arousal release and experience. There was a time when. Openly I'll share this. I had gotten a yeast infection. I was on antibiotics and sometimes that can happen. And my partner, was feeling really sexual.
We were traveling. And so I engaged with him in a masturbation practice. I explored giving him a hand job, him experiencing him doing it himself. It was like a back and forth thing. And. It was really beautiful because, I couldn't really physically do anything at the time and so. Got, I got to connect. I got to give to him, I got to be in the experience with him. We were staying in a hotel, so I wasn't like waiting in the hallway while he was jerking off.
You know, we got to do it together and to be together. And he was able to have this beautiful sexual experience in release and we connected over it. And it was a really beautiful [00:18:00] for us to have together. So there are so many opportunities and so many ways that masturbation can be. More than just something that you do by yourself. And when you do it together, it can become more of a way for you to do it on your own as well.
And to have that sense of peace. Between one another. [00:19:00]
This is the third action. When it comes to masturbation, especially in a relationship. Do an experiment. If you're wondering, should I be masturbating as much as I am? And it's distressing to you. Go for a period of time without masturbating. And look at it like an experiment, not like a test.
Like I have to go 20 days. It's like, oh, let's play an experiment here. Let's be scientists for a moment. What would happen if. [00:20:00] I went for a little bit of time without masturbating. Can I sit in the intensity? Of my own sexual energy. Can I sit in this size of my own sexual energy? Without necessarily having that release, you know, there's a lot out there about no fab and all of these different types of, Restriction practices, but this is more an experiment, I will look at it also like. Who you step into when you spend. Five days, 10 days, 20 days without masturbating.
Who do you become? How do you engage in the world? And can you work with the sexual energy that you have created within you? And can you use it in a different, expansive, more powerful way? And also, this is fun. How does a woman respond to you? Does she engage with you differently? So really work with that and, and get curious about [00:21:00] it. Nothing is right or wrong.
Here is. Partly what I'm trying to S. To share if you go five days and you hate it. Information, if you go 15 days and you're recognized, holy shit, I have a lot of energy. And because I'm walking with all around with all this sexual energy that my girl is leaning towards me because. I'm not like pouncing on her. Interesting cool information to have, right. And when you're in this state of experiment. I work with breath work. We released a handful of episodes, especially in the very beginning of this show, talking to the power of using breath work. To work with managing your sexual energy, to work with moving that sexual energy within your body so that it isn't just sitting in your cock.
How can you move this energy throughout your body and really feel it. Everywhere. So play around with some brockworth as you go through this and really discern for yourself whether or not [00:22:00] masturbation has a place in your life, whether whether or not masturbation has a place in your relationship. And if so, how much, how present do you want it to be? I don't think that this is about deciding whether masturbation is good or bad.
I would say it's something that we all naturally do. I mean, back even babies masturbate when they're in the uterus. So like everybody's doing it. We all have experiences with it. And. It's more about looking at it from the space of, am I dependent on it? Is it becoming a crutch that I'm relying on? Is it holding me back from actually building intimacy with my partner and.
And. Am I having the thoughts that I want to have about myself? Am I experiencing the sensations or am I. Moving through the feelings that I want to have with myself when it comes to my sexuality, when it comes to my masturbation, when it comes to my sexual experiences.
I would love to [00:23:00] hear how this experiment goes for you, if you choose to do it. And I would love to hear what you think about masturbation in a relationship. And if this show has been supportive in any way, it would mean so much. If you would leave a written review on apple, because the more reviews that we get, the more that the show grows, and please submit your questions or topics to be answered on the show@thenikaconnection.com backslash question.
This is Kiersten Trammell. And until next time you guys. Let's get some. [00:24:00]