How Your Attachment Styles Determine Your Unique Sexual Desires
How much does your attachment style impact your sex life?
In this episode, Kirsten breaks down the 4 different attachment styles and what they look like in a sexual space.
Whether you are curious to learn more about your sexual desires and drivers or you are ready to become more secure and expand your sex life…this episode is for you.
Kirsten shares relatable stories and research findings to explore attachment styles from a sexual context. We are getting playful, we are getting steamy, and we are getting educated. Let’s get some!
Key Topics:
Exploring the 4 attachment styles
How your attachment style impacts your sexual desires.
Using your attachment style to improve your sex life.
Building strong, intimate connections.
Becoming securely attached and having epic sex.
What attachment style is more open to BDSM.
Learn Your Attachment Style:
Attached by Amir Levine
Wired for Love by Stan Takin
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Visit https://www.thenakedconnection.com/bdsm-checklist and get your FREE Kink/BDSM checklist.
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Visit https://www.thenakedconnection.com/guide and get your FREE orgasmic breathwork practice guide.
This guide is here to help you experience more power, sensitivity, aliveness, and pleasure in just 10 minutes.
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Visit http://thenakedconnection.com/foria and try the Intimacy Massage Oil with CBD to intensify you and your partner’s arousal and pleasure.
Podcast Transcript
[00:00:00] In this episode, we are going to identify how your attachment style determines your sexual desires and preferences. Now, if you've heard about or read about attachment styles, you probably know how it affects your relationships, how you engage with other people. Who is available, who is clingy, who needs space, who wants to be close? All of the things, right.
And that's really fun and dandy. But what I want to explore today is how your attachment style actually affects your sex life? Because oddly enough, there is research out there that shows that your attachment style. And really how you were cared for as a baby can have a direct impact. On what's happening in your bedroom today? It's time to learn a little bit more about yourself. And your sex life.
You guys let's get some.
[00:01:00] Welcome back to the naked connection. This is the show that supports driven men to build deep connections and have better communication and sex. What's up. You guys, it's Kiersten your soon to be licensed sex therapist. And today. I am really stoked to. Blend research with sex. I have my glasses on. I have my textbooks out and we are going to get really incredibly informed. [00:02:00] Not really. Your attachment style says so much about who you are as a partner and who you are ultimately as a sexual being.
And so first I think it's important for us to understand what your attachment style actually is. Or, and the attachment style of your partner or partners.
So in this episode, we're going to break down the different attachment styles, what that actually means. And then what that means. For you in your sex life now? The original research on attachment theory was conducted by this. British psychologist, John Bowlby. We don't really care too much about his life, but we do care about his research though. Basically what happened was researchers conducted this experiment.
That's called the strange situation procedure done. Done. Oh, where. They observed mothers playing with their babies through a mirror. And when I say that, [00:03:00] It sounds really creepy and weird, but you know, that's research, right? So they had mothers in a room with their babies playing with them. And during these episodes, the mother would actually leave the baby alone. For a brief period of time. And then come back into the room and the researchers would watch the baby's behavior when the mother would leave.
And when she would come back and they found that there are actually four distinct styles or responses. The first response is that. The baby is distressed when the mother leaves the room, but then greets the mother really warmly upon her return. And this is what is considered a secure attachment.
This is ultimately like the end, all Beal. We want this, we want it to be secure. The second is that the baby would seem really unbothered when the mother would leave. And then when the mother would return, the baby would be avoidant would ignore her. When it really seemed to want anything to do with her.
And interestingly, [00:04:00]
This baby shows no visible distress or emotion. However, they found that physiologically, they are having a response. So their heart rate is elevated and. Basically what this looks like is that the baby is dealing but not feeling. And this is what's considered avoidant. So an avoidant person is dealing with the experience, but they're not necessarily feeling it. Then you have the third option, which is where the baby. It's actually already not at ease the mother's there and it's just kind of like mildly distressed. And then the mom leaves and they become extremely distressed.
And when the mom would leave the room and then return. The baby would have a really hard time being soothed and comforted. They would express some kind of conflicting behavior that showed that they wanted both comfort from them. Their mom, but also wanted to actually kind of punish the mom for leaving. And this is what's considered anxious [00:05:00] attachment.
So basically. These are the individuals that are feeling, but are not dealing with what's unfolding.
And then the fourth and final, and this was actually. A style that was found later in the research, but basically it's where the BB has a really varied or unpredictable approach to handling their moms leaving and coming. Sometimes they might freeze or have a glass overlook when the mom would leave. Sometimes they would have unusual movements like running really rigidly, or they would engage in really contradictory behavior.
So looking away when they would approach their parent or running towards their parent and then deciding to fall onto the ground before actually getting to them. So this is what's considered disorganized. And this is usually from a child whose parents were a source of fear. And not safety. So there are so many ways to figure out what your own individual attachment style is.
You can take online tests and I'll drop a couple of [00:06:00] links in the show notes. If you want to explore that more further for yourself, or you can really ask yourself or ask your partner the simple question of. What was your childhood like? You know, was it. Singing songs.
Happy, go lucky. Was it. Challenging. Was it. Incredibly hard, you know, what was your childhood like? And what was your dynamic like with your parents? Did you feel close to them? Did you feel for our way from them? Did you feel conflicted about how to engage with them? Were you afraid of them? And. One way that I love to think about attachment styles.
Is this in terms of taking action and making change. So an anxious individual is really on a path to realizing that. You are love. And an avoidant individual is on a path of recognizing that love is safe. And a disorganized individual is really a mix of both. Now, before we get [00:07:00] into the, into the sex, talk about your attachment style.
I want you to know this. Your attachment style can change. You know, it, isn't your IQ. It isn't like the sun rising in the east and setting in the west. It isn't like, oh my gosh, it doesn't like Paul Red's face who just, you know, he doesn't seem to ever age. Right. Your attachment style can change, which is really cool. Which I think is. A source of possibility, a source of excitement and a really amazing thing to focus on growing within yourself.
If you care about having deep connections with people, if you care about having a really fulfilling sex life. So. Working on your attachment style and facing some of these things is really, really. Exciting because it is possible to change. So I thought it would be fun too.
I'm going to give you a little story time. Okay. And you're going to [00:08:00] play a game here. We're going to guess. What this person's attachment style is. All right. I told you, we're getting researchy. We're putting on our glasses today and I have a quiz for you. So let's take. Hmm. We're going to call this character. Bradley.
I'm so sorry for her name is Bradley, but Bradley. Is on our first date. With a girl that he met on a dating app, he was swiping away it all over the women. And he found one that he wanted to go out with that night. So he takes her out on a date. For a couple of drinks at a bar, and then he decides to invite her back to his place. On their way, walking down the street, he doesn't hold her hand.
And to be honest, he isn't really focused on what she's saying as they walked on the street. When they get back to his place, they start hooking up and he isn't overly concerned with whether she's enjoying herself or not. [00:09:00] And they fall asleep and then the next morning. He wakes up and she's still there. And so he's like, I got to get away from this girl.
So he decides that he's going to tell her. That he has a meaning at the office to get to. But truth be told he doesn't actually have a meeting at any office to get to because his office is at home and he works from home and he doesn't even have a meeting. But he needs a reason to be alone. So he leaves his house.
He tells her yesterday. Off to the meeting and he never. Texts her again, he never sees her again. He honestly doesn't even really think that much about her again.
Meanwhile. And the same street. And the same night.
There is a man named Martin. And he meets a girl. And he just can't stop thinking about her. He's been talking with her for a few weeks. [00:10:00] And he has a date plan with her that night. During the day he sends her a few text messages just to check in, you know, just to confirm that it's, she's still up for meeting.
And then he know is attempting to make small talk all day long because. There's this underlining worry that she's going to bail. Luckily though she doesn't. Thank goodness we praise her. And dinner goes really well. They have a great time. He asks her a lot of questions about herself. They laugh. They joke.
It's great. But. He really isn't convinced that she's that into him. He hasn't convinced in his mind that no, there's no way that she's out into him as he is into her. So he feels compelled to invite her back to his house because he wants to, you know, have more time with her so that he can prove to her that he is great and that she should like him.
And then he can assess whether. She likes it more or not.
You know, they get to the house. He offers her some pillows, some wine, some [00:11:00] tea. He likes some candles, everything he can do that he can possibly think of to make sure that she feels okay. Right. And at this point, He's been up all day. He's been at work. He's been really worried about this date going well.
He's been putting all of his effort and his energy into this, and it's like 12, 15. We were heading into the wee hours of the night. And he's exhausted from the day, frankly.
But at the same time, he wants her to be happy. And one thing leads to another and despite his, his exhaustion.
He pleases her every wish. And. You know, completely disregards his own desires. He goes down on her for 30 minutes. He kisses her in the way that she wants. He does everything that he can possibly think of to make her happy. And the entire time he's thinking to himself. Oh, gosh, I hope she likes me. I [00:12:00] hope she likes me. I don't want this to end because I just want to make sure that she likes me.
Now. We could keep going with these soldier stories. Right. But as you can see,
these guys show up very different relationally and sexually, right? And you may have guessed that Brad is really kind of the classical example of an invoice individual. And Martin is anxious. And how they sexually connect is really different. Now this isn't the only way this is, these examples are the only way that an attack an anxious person or an avoidant person can shine through.
Right. But I wanted to just share a few examples and have some fun, putting some thoughts in your head of like what this could actually look like. And. So let's get into it. An anxious individual is going to tend to be more likely to agree to have sex when they don't want to. This is the person that's going to put the other person's sexual desires above their own repeatedly. [00:13:00] And they're going to actually lean on or even use sacks for approval.
And then, you know, this is where the sexual behavior from an anxious person is really often driven from an attempt to. Actually make up for their perceived lack of love and security from someone. So they're going to use sex as a tool, as a conduit for filling. The dynamic, filling the relationship with what they think is a lack of love. Or a lack of security.
So if you're an anxiously attached individual and you're sitting here and you're like, oh God, this is me. Or, oh, I am sensing some flavors of myself in these stories and these descriptions. You might find yourself attempting to have sex in order to either provoke your partners, attentiveness and availability, or in per, in a pure pursuit of proximity and reassurance. And I just want to say this as well.
Interestingly, as an aside, that. [00:14:00] Anxious people are actually more likely to use condoms and protection due to this fearful nature that's associated within them. And. They are more likely to take on a submissive role in a BDSM experience. So that's kind of the landscape of how an anxious individual might look sexually. And what is really driving sucks for them. Now on the flip side, an avoidant attached person is going to tend to be less likely to fall in love than an anxious person and more likely to engage in casual sex. And this is where engaging in really emotion, free sex. Happens or on the flip side, really abstaining from sex because sex is typically, you know, it requires physical and physiological closeness, which is the opposite of what an avoidant person wants and making it become really uncomfortable. For them. So an avoidant person often doesn't enjoy their sexual [00:15:00] experiences.
And I also want to add that anxious people. Statistically are less likely to. Notice. Satisfaction from. Both relationships and from sex. Then an avoidant or a secure person. And so avoiding people are less likely still to enjoy sexual experiences in a secure person. And they're not likely to really enjoy passionate and affectionate foreplay. That's a lot for them.
Like it's a lot to be passionate. It's a lot to be really affectionate. It's overwhelming. It's uncomfortable. It's it's scary. To put it, frankly. And so they often will turn to using fantasy as a substitute for intimacy or actually fantasizing about another person when they're with their partner in order to maintain and create a protective distance for themselves. And sex can be really more, a way to reduce stress. And it's like less of a [00:16:00] way for connection.
So it's a way to relieve any sort of stress that might be happening in their life. Or happening within the relationship dynamic. If they're in a partnership and an attached, an anxious person, they won't turn to sex as a way to build an emotional connection with a partner, like . The connection between sex and connection, isn't there for them.
And then a disorganized person is really a blend of both anxious and avoidant. So, which might sound really confusing. And, and it is for the person that's experiencing it as well as the partner. That's experiencing it. This makes for a really unstable and unpredictable pattern. For them to, to move through.
And this looks like. Expressing, let's say extreme passion and love for someone. And then once lovemaking begins, like shutting down emotionally. So there's a lot of passion and desire to be with someone. And then when that happens, there's a shutting down the can occur.
Or perhaps vice versa. There's like this really [00:17:00] cold demeanor.
And then that flips into, oh, once they're in lovemaking experience being really passionate. And then, you know, studies show that. This is really interesting, is that. For a disorganized individual. There's this combination of really desiring, to feel loved while equally feeling unworthy for love. And. As a result of this studies actually show that individuals with a disorganized attachment style are more likely to have a sex addiction than any other attachment style it's out there.
So, what is the golden standard?
What are we working towards you guys? What do we want? Well,
A secure attachment. And when we think about a secure attachment in terms of sex, This is where it feels really good. This is where a person feels really good. Not only about themselves. But about their love life and their sex life. They're open to connection. They're open to exploration and they're less [00:18:00] likely to use sex to manipulate others. Or to feed their ego. Like the connection between using Saks to. Either feel closer, stay away or using sacks to build themselves up isn't as present and. These individuals typically want sex to be a place to express, to express affection for their lover to enjoy experimenting in the bedroom.
And they typically have less one night stands and sexual partners just in general. And this is really fun. Research shows that securely attached people are. More likely to engage in BDSM and are comfortable taking on a dominant role in that exchange. So there's a ton of research that was done to actually explore whether BDSM is some kind of maladaptive coping strategy for individuals that have experienced. Traumatic experiences or challenges within their life.
And really they found that truly securely attached [00:19:00] individuals. Are, are more likely to engage in BDSM. And part of that, they hypothesized is that there's this love for love, comfort. There's this level of openness that exists, which I think is really fun. And. That that is again, just a space to explore what's possible with an intimate encounter.
You know, the more securely attached you are, the more open you likely are to new things.
And here's the thing is that we all have sexual patterns and preferences and styles. And so will your partner or your partners. And my hope is that you can really take this information. You can look at the attachment styles. You can look at. How an individual shows up sexually. Based upon an attachment style and use this to actually better understand yourself. And better understand who you're with intimately. You know, if you notice that your partner seems really avoidant based on their sexual behavior and their style, you can use this as a way to [00:20:00] better understand them and connect with them and give them a sense of safety. So really using this to your advantage. You know, I think about, that let's say your partner seems avoidant based on hearing about the, an avoidant person, sexual behavior and style, you can use this as a way to better understand them, to connect with them, and then to give them a sense of safety. Or on the flip side, let's say that you notice that your partner seems anxious. You notice that they are. Really constantly seeking to only please you and only give to you.
And they're not really. Ever expressing their own desires, or maybe you get this feeling like they just are wanting to have sex in order to meet some kind of a need beyond connecting with you.
Actually pausing and recognizing why this might be is really powerful. And letting them know that. [00:21:00] Regardless of what happens in the bedroom that you still love them. And helping them decouple this need for love. From sex so that sex can become more than this place, where they fill up their need for love. Because when you can decouple these things, when you can. You know, Help sex feel safe when you can help SACS not be the source of.
Primary fulfillment of love.
Sex gets to become so much more and so much more expansive and playful, impossible. So.
Taking a moment to reflect on what your attachment style is, how you show up in the bedroom. How the people that you've with have shown up in the bedroom. Like you can really probably start to see patterns of who you are and how that plays out. And. Decide to make changes. I think that really, the more you understand yourself, the easier it is to shift into a new way of being and really shifting [00:22:00] into. Everything that's possible for you in not only your sex life, but also within your intimate connections with other people.
Don't forget. If you connect with an avoidant attachment.
Work on recognizing that love is safe. And if you connect with being an anxious attachment, Work on realizing that you are love. And you guys, we can all work towards becoming secure, towards becoming really secure in who we are within ourselves and within our relationships. And yes, within our sex lives. All right, you guys that's it for today.
I cannot wait for next. Week's. Episode. And please, if you haven't already. Take a moment, leave a review. The more reviews that you leave, the better the show can be. The better the guests that we get to have, and really the more feedback I have, the better I can make the show for you.
So please. Drop into the app. [00:23:00] Leave me a review on apple and Spotify, wherever you're listening to this, it would mean so, so much to me. I deeply appreciate it. Sending you all the love until next time. Let's get some.