The #1 Way to Have Better Sex and Fulfilling Love
How do we have better sex? By building more intimacy into ALL of your life. This week, its time to connect with Magda Kay, an intimacy expert and Tantra teacher and learn the specific steps to build deeper intimacy and make your sex life more satisfying.
In this episode, you will learn specific foreplay strategies and tantric perspectives to build intimacy and open the doorway to deeply fulfilling sexual experiences.
Whether you want to experience the next-level connection you know is possible with your woman, or you want to find tools to enhance your sexual experiences…this episode is for you! Let's get some!
Key Topics:
01:10 Understanding Women: Breaking the Mystery
08:19 The Importance of Intimacy in Relationships
12:25 Building Intimacy: Practical Tips and Insights
16:02 Exploring Intimacy Beyond Romantic Relationships
22:40 Bringing Intimacy into Your Sex Life
24:24 Balancing Intimacy: Fast vs. Slow
25:06 The Power of Relaxation in Sex
27:31 Understanding Foreplay and Sexual Education
33:46 Scheduling Intimacy: A New Approach
40:38 Exploring Male Sexuality Beyond the Norm
Connect with Magda Kay
https://www.instagram.com/magdakayofficial/
Boost your next naked moment!
Visit http://thenakedconnection.com/foria and try the Intimacy Massage Oil with CBD to intensify you and your partner’s arousal and pleasure.
Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] What would it be like if your sex life was even more satisfying? What of your next sexual experience and orgasm actually felt more powerful than ever before. In this episode, we are covering the number one way to have more fulfilling and satisfying sex. Welcome back to the naked connection. This is the show for driven men to reach sexual mastery and build deep connections.
It's Kiersten here, your soon to be licensed sex therapist and. In order to dive into making sex even better. We have a special guest Magda K onto the show. Over a decade ago, Magda quit her corporate job and went on a journey through ashrams yoga trainings, Tundra, communities, and ceremonies. Now is an intimacy expert and a Tundra teacher. And today she is here to share how to build more intimacy into your life and sexual experiences. You guys let's get some. [00:01:00]
Kirsten Trammell: Magda K, welcome to The Naked Connection.
Magda Kay: Thank you for having me.
Kirsten Trammell: Yeah, I'm so excited everyone before we hit record we were already talking about so many amazing things and we're going to rekindle that conversation for you guys and talking about understanding women and Magda you were saying this really interesting perspective, and I'm curious if you could.
share it with the community of guys here.
You know, both of us, we are rooted in tantric teachings, and I think they're beautiful. It's full of You know, it's mystical. It's esoteric. I think it's magical. And I really think that's what sexuality really is about. But then one of the things I just keep seeing everywhere online is that women are a mystery.
Magda Kay: And so you don't have to understand her, stop trying to understand her and just appreciate her. Just , enjoy her presence when she [00:02:00] talks just you know, David data says this to just you don't even have to understand what she says. Just listen to the beauty of her voice.
And I say it's BS. I think it's a very convenient excuse for not to make an effort to understand someone who is different than you women are very different than men and We don't make sense to a typical man, but it doesn't mean that we don't make sense. It's just our logic is different. So women are not as mysterious.
For example do you ever get shocked by like how another woman behaves? Like, it's
Kirsten Trammell: Yeah.
Magda Kay: But we understand how we operate. It's okay, she's emotional. I maybe wouldn't do it, but I can understand why a woman would give a man silent treatment or why she would suddenly start yelling at him at him.
I may, I may not agree with this, but I know why she does this. I know why a woman may say yes, and then change her mind because I am aware of what happens. And for men, men operate [00:03:00] differently. Men think differently. And so it's very easy to look at a woman and just decide she's different than me, so I'm not going to make any effort to understand her.
I'm just going to think that she's this beautiful mystery that I don't have to understand because to understand a woman. Yes. You gotta put in some work, but I always say this, look at nature because nature is feminine. Do you ever wake up on, in December and notice snow and get shocked? Oh my God, what is this doing here?
Why did the weather change? Because you know that the weather changes. So women move in cycles. And if you understand how cycles operate, then you will be able to understand her and predict her. But no one says that nature is chaotic or doesn't make sense or is crazy. Nature is incredible. It's full of gifts and magic, but again, we're not shocked that something happens.
We may not be able to predict when a volcano erupts, but [00:04:00] we know that sometimes volcanoes erupt and we know why. And it's same with women.
Kirsten Trammell: Yeah. So in understanding that you said it can be work. What is that work look like to understand someone's cycles?
Magda Kay: Look, to be fair, I would say this is kind of similar to any form of communication, like proper open conscious communication. So if you ever. Disagreers on something with another human being if you ever argue with them what, what do you have to do? You have to try your best not to take things personally.
So don't add your own meaning. You have to try to understand where the person is coming from. So what is their reality? What is their past? What, why would they choose to do something even more when you wouldn't choose to do that, right? Get curious, ask questions, don't jump into conclusions, don't make assumptions.
And so it's the same here, because essentially we're [00:05:00] talking about a a form of communication between men and women, which is not only spoken, but it's through how we treat each other. So it's exactly the same thing, you know, it's just stretch yourself a little bit, right? It's, I don't know, maybe learning a new language, right?
There are different logics and, and, you know, in different languages, the order of the words is totally different. So it's a little bit, forget about what you already know, because it's just your perspective. It's not the absolute truth. And just get curious. Where she is coming from and what it means for her.
Just be more open minded, but yes, like keeping an open mind, and not jumping into conclusions that we automatically would want to. Yes. That takes some energy.
Kirsten Trammell: I find even I know we're talking about men understanding women, but I find for myself If I come from that place of, of wondering, Oh, why would. Like a partner or a guy that I'm seeing, or just a person, do something or engage a certain way, as soon as I actually allow myself to be a little [00:06:00] curious, then I understand them better, or ask a question, and then they usually have some very logical reasoning, that maybe it doesn't match my logic, but it makes sense, and then I'm like, okay, now I understand what's actually happening here, and can, yeah.
Yeah.
Magda Kay: Yeah, cause it's not about looking. I think this is exactly like you said, like we do it all the time because we look at life a certain way. And so when I talk about being curious and I, and I do mean it from both sides, like women, let's get curious about men, men, let's get curious about women, or really let's get curious about our partner.
No matter the gender. It's. It's something I think that's just really, really helpful for all of us to cultivate, you know, in every day, as in this idea that the reality that that I perceive is only mine, no one on this planet shares the same perception. You know, we can find people with whom we are very similar.
But then we jump into the [00:07:00] conclusion thinking we're going to agree on everything. And I think sometimes even with couples I don't know if you've had this, I've definitely had that happen to me. I would meet a guy with whom we just seemed so similar, very similar views and beliefs and approach to life.
And then when you finally discover where you don't agree, then you just don't know what to do with this. Because you thought. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Wait, so are we not meant to be together? Because we disagree on that one aspect of life. So I think it's something really good to, to cultivate for our relationships.
Kirsten Trammell: Yeah. Yeah. This is so funny. I, so I was a swimmer growing up and when I was in college, my coach one day, I don't remember the context of this, but he told me your perception is your reality. And this was, I'm like 19 years old, so I like, no, at this point in my life, I have no idea what he's talking about.
I'm like, that sounds like mumbo jumbo. And then I fast forward to a decade later and I finally. I understand what he's saying, and it's so true when we recognize that [00:08:00] our own perception is our reality and everyone else is living in their own reality. Like none of us are actually in the same reality.
So when you recognize that, it's Oh, it's easier to understand why someone may make a choice or have a perspective that's different than yours. And that's just like a helpful way to navigate life and relationships. It seems like, yeah I'm like totally shifting gears here, but I know you have so much knowledge about intimacy and I'm curious, just to start off, if you can explain, because this is something I think we kind of get lost in the words of, of what is the difference between intimacy and sex?
Magda Kay: You know, you're asking what's the difference? These are two totally different concepts. They in fact have, Very little to do with each other. It's just that they may happen at the same time, but they also don't have to. I, I like to define it this way. Sex is just something we do, right? It's one of the things we do in life.
Intimacy is how we do. Okay. It's not a what, it's a [00:09:00] how. And specifically the way I like to define intimacy is that it's the depth of your experience of life. So it's everything, right? Of course you can bring intimacy into the bedroom and goodness, I really hope you do because sex without intimacy it's either a bad sex or, or it's as far, far, far away from the potential of what you could be experiencing.
I think this is this is this is really a big problem because we are sexualizing intimacy. But if you think a child and a mother, what they share is intimacy intimacy can happen between friends. And again, because we have sexualized it, this is actually a massive issue for men because You know, we still live with these kind of crazy ideas that, you know, if you see two boys or two men together, like close and intimate with each other, you assume, Oh, they're gay.
And still that's like a bad label, right? In our society. So men have stayed away [00:10:00] from being intimate with their friends because of how we would potentially label them. And so I think this is actually really serious thing to take into consideration because Intimacy is actually a basic human need.
So let me explain what I mean by this. We actually have studies that were not done specifically for intimacy, but what we've discovered is that without intimacy, we will literally die. And so we, we know that we need that depth, that connection with another human being not just for mental health, but also physical health.
Like literally. You know, it's we're going to get sick. We, we're going to die if we don't have that need met. But the truth is that you will actually survive without sex. Your life may not be as, as amazing, but you will, you know, you will. And I think by, by combining these two terms into one, [00:11:00] we are doing ourselves the service, because we are disconnecting ourselves from a lot of healthy ways, how we could be meeting our need for intimacy that would not necessarily have anything to do with sex.
I'll tell you more. You don't need a romantic relationship to experience intimacy in life. I mean, look, I think a great example is if you look at religion, you know, I come from a Catholic country. So in our religion, priests and nuns, they have to be celibate. They're not in romantic relationships, but they have developed an incredibly deep, intimate relationship with God.
So they don't feel alone. You can source the sense of intimacy from a lot of different places in life. Okay. And so this is why I like talking more about intimacy because once we can awaken your ability to feel life on a deeper level, then automatically sex gets better. It's not about a new sex position.
A sex position is never going to fix your sex life. And it's [00:12:00] never going to take it to you know, God knows what. How great level that's, that's not it. You know, this, these are logistics. What really changes the experience of sex is exactly how deeply can you be present with it, with your body, with your mind, with your emotions, your energy, your heart, and that is literally what intimacy opens for us.
Kirsten Trammell: Ooh, that was so beautiful. Okay. So knowing that and understanding that, how do we invite more intimacy into our lives? Like, where does someone begin? Cause I, I can imagine, and I just think I, you know, I look at a lot of statistics and especially looking at You know, a lot of men are locking in male friendships and a lot of people are more isolated.
So many studies show how there's, you know, like this loneliness epidemic where people feel lonely most of the time for various reasons. So whether it's in a romantic relationship or not, how do we build more intimacy into our life?[00:13:00]
Magda Kay: So I want to show two concepts for this. So the first one is I talk about the three pillars of intimacy or like kind of sources of intimacy where we can find it. So the first one is our relationships with other people. The second is the relationship with myself. And the third is relationship with life.
So the first one, this is your relationship with all of your friends, your romantic partner, if you have one, or any other lovers, your family, your colleagues, even strangers on the street. Now notice that a romantic relationship is just one subcategory of that pillar. And the romantic relationship is not any of the pillars.
So we really overvalue the importance of a romantic relationship. We think that this is the main source. It's not even one third of how we can serve as intimacy. So if you don't have a romantic relationship, totally, don't worry. Yes. There are some unique benefits. Absolutely. That [00:14:00] we only get when we are in a, in a good relationship.
But still, this is not the only source. So look at all the people that you have. And I think, you know, especially these days, like you said, I know a lot of people are single. A lot of people also don't necessarily want to date or be in a relationship. So I would say that this is actually a really good time for men.
To start creating deeper friendships with women, I know that when you're in a relationship, this either like men just are not interested in being friends with women anymore because maybe they were friends with them because they were looking for a lover or a partner, or maybe their girlfriend wouldn't really approve of, but now you have the space.
And again, a lot of women are single, so they will appreciate this friendship as well, because having this polarity actually feels really good, you know. So totally go for friends with women, for men, and for women go for friends with, with, with men, allow that wherever you feel the polarity, allow that.
So that's number one. Number two is the relationship with self. [00:15:00] And this is, you know, what are, it's, it's, it's, doing things that you're really passionate about following your true mission and calling in life, contributing, meditating, speaking to yourself, but like actually have this relationship, which a lot of people don't, like most people are externally focused.
And we, we like, we have no idea what our body, what our soul is trying to tell us. So that is a good thing. Incredibly beautiful and important source. And then lastly, it's the relationship with life. And so for me, for example, it's something I feel when I am in nature and it's observing what nature really is, what a life is, what it means to be alive and like watching the cycles of nature, watching the fact that nature can be very cruel.
Like animals can kill each other, some animals kill each other for fun, and that's it. And you know, so how do I feel about it? And this is also where we can talk about the relationship with divine God [00:16:00] consciousness, again, whatever feels good for to a person. So first of all, I would say, you know, If you want more intimacy in life, like actually look at these, these three areas, you know, so that's one, one aspect I think that's really important.
And then the second one is what specifically do we do? And I think here, when we talk about building relationships with other people, I think here it's where we, we need a bit of help because, you know, you know, very well, it's not something that, We teach people, like education system spends literally zero time on that.
Kirsten Trammell: yeah.
Magda Kay: that I recommend to people is number one is ask better questions. And this is especially if you want to build more intimacy with a new person, a stranger, or it's your first date, because, you know, we feel very uncomfortable because We don't know what to say. And then we end up asking, how are you?
So what do you do? Where do you come from? And these are really kind of [00:17:00] questions where you're just like, oh gosh. So get a bit more creative with those questions. For example, when I catch up with my friends, I haven't talked to them for a while. I don't ask them, Hey, how are you? Because It's like, how do you really answer this question?
Instead, I usually ask them, okay, what's what's the most exciting thing in your life right now? So I tried to specific, you know, be more specific about, you know, what kind of emotions I want you, I want you to think of. So it's a very simple question here. So we can start with better questions.
The second thing is, especially if you already have a relationship with the person, is to look into their eyes more. Now don't stare because this can be threatening. We don't want to stare. Like every now and then do look away because probably the other person may not feel very comfortable with this.
But really challenge yourself to look into the person's eyes and allow them to see you. Like the reason why we feel uncomfortable doing it is because it's so intimate. And so exactly this, why we, why we want to [00:18:00] do it. And then the next one is that the third tip is a touch. It's all the little touches.
And I'm talking about non sexual touch. But you know, We actually really need this, you know, when, when you walk through the city and you even bump into people or something, or you're, or you're you know, taking the Metro and like you're kind of squeezing with people as annoying as it may sometimes feel, we actually need this.
We need that, that contact. And so if you're with someone with whom you want more intimacy, do it more consciously, embrace them, hug them. Caress them. You can, you know, depending on, on the level of your relationship, you can touch their cheek, touch their face. You know, maybe massage their belly a little bit, squeeze their thighs.
Like just invite more loving, gentle, conscious touch, because this, this immediately builds more connection. So this is you know, three things that we can start doing quite easily because there are very little things, you know, but they will really make a difference.
Kirsten Trammell: Yeah. Oh my gosh. There's so much in [00:19:00] this. Yeah. I, I will never forget in the very beginning of COVID when I lived alone at the time and there was like a two week period where I didn't come into physical contact with anyone, not even a hug or a handshake or a high five, like nothing. And I remember physically, I could feel that like in my body wow, this is really absent and how important it is to have that even if it's not necessarily a sexual exchange, just having that physical exchange with even strangers, how important it is.
I love that you mentioned this piece about The relationship with life because I think a lot of the times that gets so missed and we're so focused on, you know, our, the relationship with ourself, whether it's through like self improvement or discovery or, or whatever have you, and then looking externally at how we're engaging with other people.
So I love that you mentioned that because it's such an important piece of, it isn't just ourselves and other people. There's this whole other [00:20:00] piece of existence that is unfolding around us constantly.
Magda Kay: Yes. And, and I think this one, I know this one may be a bit challenging to people because it's not very tangible, like already relationship with yourself can be like a big step for most people. And here we're going even beyond that. But I will tell you, okay, so there's the saying that, you know, the call conversation does God exist or not.
And I heard this thing. I mean, it's not. No one said it now. It's like a quote from a long, long time ago, but it was that if God didn't exist, it, we would have to, it didn't exist. We would have to invent him as in we have the need for something bigger. And for as long as we know that humans have been on this planet, we've always had some form of spirituality because we actually have the need for this.
And so I actually remember I would have often conversations with my father, who's just no, this doesn't, exists, et cetera. And [00:21:00] I, and like I look at it, it's I don't care. Like if, if it makes sense or not, I don't care if it's logical or not. What I care about is that it makes me more peaceful and happier. And, and I think that can. Take any form for people, you know, it's, it's, it's I think this part, it's really up to each person, how you want to do this one. But you know, I was even discussing with my best friend today about, you know, our grandparents who are getting older and older, and we were talking about the fact that we don't want to talk about death, but if you're in your late 80s or 90s, like, how can you not think about it?
And yet people avoid it. But I think, for example, contemplating on death, on the fact that we are all going to die, this is how you build that intimate relationship with life. So I understand it's very scary. And even, you know, you can look at this if you're single and you really want to be in a relationship and exploring, Why am I single?
On a deeper level. What if there was a deeper meaning to me [00:22:00] being single or to this relationship just ending? I think just like opening your mind for, for more concepts, you know, that we don't, you don't, you're not meant to understand it. You're just meant to feel, you're, you're meant to Notice that you're part of something bigger, right?
Because, because this is the connection, which all the spiritual paths talk about the same, the sense of oneness, because notice that's why we get into relationship. That's why we have sex because of this incredible sense of oneness merging into one. And you can merge into one with a lot of things.
Kirsten Trammell: Yes. Oh, okay. So if we were to take this intimacy, let's say that we're building this intimacy in our life in all of the different ways and we want to bring it into sex, making it juicy. How, like, where, where do you like to have people start?
Magda Kay: Yes mostly. So I I predominantly work with heterosexual [00:23:00] couples. So this will definitely be true here. But if you're if you're in, in any other form of a relationship, usually, usually we still, Notice that there is polarity. So energetically we're like on, on two opposites and the one person will usually be a bit more in the feminine, softer, receptive energy.
So this will be true for basically anyone with this energy. And sometimes it's also like around, maybe not as often, but sometimes it's the men who's more in this energy in the relationship, but just let me allow please allow me for like simplicity to speak about women. So what I always say is that.
Start by giving your woman more space because a woman needs to feel safe to open up and if she doesn't open up, then just sex doesn't really work in a relationship. And like all the men, you probably will, will, will agree that when your woman is like in absolute bliss, your [00:24:00] pleasure is much deeper.
Like you are enjoying yourself better. So Let's make sure that the woman gets everything she needs and she invites the man more into his body. So the person who's more vulnerable, who's more receptive, softer, she will be the one inviting the other person. Into their body and into the deeper state of intimacy. But for that person, like usually the person who maybe doesn't feel that comfortable with intimacy, this person will usually try to rush things and be very intense, right? And the person who wants more intimacy, they will want to slow down. And Listen to the person who wants to slow down. It's not to say that sex always has to be slow.
I mean, I like quickies. I think everyone does. So it's, it's not that it's not that now this is how you have to do it every single time. It's more about the ability to step into that slower energy. Okay. I can step into this and enjoy it. And I also can step out of it [00:25:00] more faster, be more intense and enjoy it.
It's about being able to move between these two energies. Okay. But when you slow down and soften, you're actually allowing your body to feel more. So like a very common pattern when we have sex is we're building up the tension, right? It's like we're speeding up, we're speeding up when you are getting close to an orgasm, you're, you're tensing, and then you're speeding up even more.
Very often your breath becomes More shallow and shorter, or you can even hold your breath because it increases that, that intensity in the body. And then it's like buildup, buildup, buildup, buildup, buildup. And then there is release. And that's ejaculation for men. And that's for most women clitoral orgasm. But that, and it's a great experience. I'm not saying it's bad by the way, I think it's a great experience, but that is not what we are talking about here. I'm talking about doing the opposite and trying to relax and soften into all of the sensations. So when you feel your body wanting to tense, Relax, [00:26:00] relax when your breath becomes shorter.
Lengthen it. Now, I will be honest when you start doing this for the person who's like more intense and wants to move faster, you may get like frustrated. You may kind of lose your, your arousal. It's Oh my God, I was getting there. And now I lost it because you're addicted or you're dependent on intensity to reach your peak.
You're teaching your body a new skill. skill and at the beginning and with anything you know, we have to figure out a way to get there. Like at first we're not getting this. So at first it may not necessarily feel good, but once you open your body and you teach your body to experience pleasure through softer, lovemaking and through slowing down, you'll see that then when you have like faster and more intense sex, the intimacy is going to be deeper, but you, but you learn, you learn intimacy by slowing down and then you can take it into other forms of lovemaking, but to learn it, [00:27:00] you have to slow down.
So again, make sure to do this, you know, their self pleasure practice. But if one of you is in that energy and often one person will be.
Kirsten Trammell: Mm-Hmm.
Magda Kay: Then allow this person to lead, adjust to that tempo. And again, in many relationships, this will be the woman. So don't judge her if she's asking for 30 minute foreplay just every now and then do it and see what can come out of this both for her and for you.
Kirsten Trammell: Yeah. Okay. So thinking about this prolonged foreplay, where, where do we go?
Magda Kay: Okay, I always tell and this is this is this is mostly for men, but to be fair. with women we have not received sexual education. And I also see women stubbornly saying, no, this is, this is what I like. This is what it is. And I'm just like, often it's not you're holding on to certain like beliefs or concepts that were [00:28:00] given to your whole life. But challenge this. So for all the women, challenge what you think that your truth is when it comes to sex. And I know especially women get triggered when a man tries to tell them something different. But again, I'll say if this man is really trained in sacred sexuality, just consider what they're saying.
But this is mostly for men. Oral sex is not foreplay. Oral sex is already sex. Now it may feel like foreplay for a man, but it's already sex for a woman. Meaning a woman needs foreplay before oral sex. And in fact, I would say that foreplay for a woman is anything that happens before. you touch her breasts and her genitals.
So before you actually get properly sexual with her and, and I know, cause I think, I think you spoke about this in your podcast as well, like it starts, you know, Like basically the moment you stop making love, [00:29:00] that's when the foreplay begins. It's like the little things you do throughout the day, do you message her?
You know, it's if you want her to be in the mood, you got to plant the idea of sex in her mind hours before like for a man, right? It's like a man can be working and then suddenly you bring sex, you know, into his perceptions. Okay, now I'm ready to have sex.
Kirsten Trammell: Yeah.
Magda Kay: As women, we don't work like that.
It's, it's like we don't jump from one thing to another like that. We, we, again, we soften into something. So for me as a woman to be available for a quickie and I may be available for a quickie. It's only if I've been thinking of having sex with you for the last few hours, or ideally a full day. So as a partner plant those ideas in her head you know, buy her a sexy lingerie or send her, you know, like some nudes or like some sexy messages throughout the day, you know, and trust me, she will be thinking about sex and she will be very, very ready the moment you both are back home and ready to go.[00:30:00]
Kirsten Trammell: Yeah, yeah, as you were saying this, I don't know, there's this movie that came out a few years ago, it was about these magicians and they would basically set up all of these cues throughout the day to prompt the people in the audience to subconsciously think of a number or like, and they would learn their bank account.
There's all these different things. And basically by the time they, the audience would show up at the show, they would have been primed to be prepared for this, like so called magic to unfold. And so I'm thinking like, that's
Magda Kay: Yeah.
Kirsten Trammell: what's happening here. It's we're programming the mind to be prepared.
for a cookie or for just sex in general by the time that rolls around.
Magda Kay: Exactly. Yes. And I'll say this because again, I understand that for women, we're like we think about this, right? Like it's on our mind and maybe for many it isn't. So I'm like, look, for anyone, if it's not on your mind, then just, you can set a reminder on your phone. Like it's okay. You [00:31:00] know, it's, it's really not a problem.
If you're like, you know, use technology to assist you. So yeah, so I, I really don't like the excuse that, Oh, I forgot. Okay. So what can you do, you know, to make sure it happens? Cause at the end of the day, what matters is whether you do these things, right? So again, it's, it's like what I, what we talked about at the beginning, sometimes it will take a bit of work.
But I'm so big on this because when I hear from, and I unfortunately do hear this and I get a lot of comments like this on my YouTube channel, I was like, Oh, it's too much work. And I always say, if really any of the things that I recommend, if you think honestly, if you think that this is too much work, then please don't ever get into a relationship.
It's like, how can you, it's like, if I love someone, if I really love someone, I want to be doing things for them. so much. You know, it's I want to go out of my way. I want to make an effort for someone. If you ever find yourself in a place where like you [00:32:00] think that sending, let's say three messages throughout the day to your partner is too much, then really reevaluate.
Why are you in this relationship? Because it sounds like you want to only take, you know, cause I'm, I'm not, I'm not talking here about some massive action. I'm talking about some small tips. So again, if you find yourself, you know, forgetting. Then set the alarm or you know, just, just find a way that will allow you to make it happen.
Please make an effort. That's another thing that's a great foreplay for a woman, seeing that you're making an effort for her.
Kirsten Trammell: And I would think of it in the sense of that. Of course, you're giving to your partner by being thoughtful and prompting these things throughout the day. And you're also giving to yourself because you'll be receiving what you ultimately desire as well in return. I'd like with the assumption that it goes well, you know, so
Magda Kay: Yeah. I mean, absolutely. It's, it's you know, the, the, the giving and receiving must be equal in the [00:33:00] relationship for that relationship to feel good. If it's not, it becomes a toxic relationship. The only thing is that giving and receiving doesn't happen at the same time. So we have to take a longer a period of time and then look at whether this is equal.
But if someone ever like steps into this energy, Oh, I'm not going to do something because you're not doing something for me. Then we have a bigger issue now.
Kirsten Trammell: yeah, yeah and I guess in thinking about this and understanding like that, yeah, this is work and it does take intention and time. What what would you say for a couple that maybe? isn't having as much sex anymore. Or they're, maybe they have kids and it's become harder to have sex or like just, or, or life circumstances, they both have busy jobs.
Like how, how do you get out of that cycle of less intimacy, less sex back into more sex and intimacy? Mm.
Magda Kay: I love this question and I actually work [00:34:00] a lot with couples that just recently welcomed a child. And when you become parents, young parents, it totally changes the dynamic. And then I've also worked with couples where mostly, but not in all cases, a woman just didn't really want to have sex as much as the men wanted to.
And then it creates all of this dynamic where a man gets frustrated, right? And he's Oh, you never want to have sex with me. And then she feels pressured. And so there's all of these like different issues that happen. So I I would say there's two things that I take my clients through that I feel are the most important.
The first one is don't be afraid to schedule sex, schedule dates, like actually approach your intimate life like this. And then second is whoever is the person who doesn't want to have sex, figure out why not and solve that. So let me, let me describe both of these. So the first one is about scheduling.
People have this incredible [00:35:00] resistance to scheduling sex. And if you go back to the dating phase or the honeymoon, you were scheduling dates and you know that sex, would happen on that day. It was exactly the same thing. And did she ever think of Oh my God, it's so boring. He just messaged me to ask me out this Friday.
Oh goodness. We're scheduling things.
Kirsten Trammell: Uhhuh. . . Yeah. Usually you're like, yay. He's scheduling things. He's thinking ahead.
Magda Kay: Like we get excited that, Oh my God, he or she wants to see me. And what happens? Anticipation. So desire. I mean, I'm pretty sure everyone has watched the famous talk by Esther Parrell, right? We all know desire needs space, but space can happen. Like physical space, but there can be also space in time, right?
So if I tell you, Hey, tonight or this weekend, we're going to go on a sexy date and [00:36:00] have sex. Now, we have distance, we have space, now we have anticipation. I think what will maybe help is that instead of scheduling sex per se, schedule sexy time or schedule a date. Because I think if I think, for example, you know, Oh, I'm going to take care of kids or do my work and Oh my God, now it's time for sex.
I think people just kind of jump, you know, from one thing to another and they're like, no, I don't want to have sex like that. It's not about this, like you're scheduling or you could say like schedule foreplay and then see if it's going to lead to sex, right? So I think this can, this can help, but I think honestly, scheduling, it's I mean, think about it.
Everything that's important gets scheduled in, in the life of an adult. Like your doctor's appointments, like everything gets scheduled. So why would this one part of our lives not? So absolutely, please, please, please schedule. And again, if the idea of scheduling sex feels really off, then schedule [00:37:00] sexy time or schedule anything else.
A romantic evening, right? Change the phrase that you're using to kind of limit the resistance. So
Kirsten Trammell: yeah, yeah, because I could see how I like the reframing of the wording because as you're describing it, it's yeah, I could see there would be resistance to being like, oh, here's this hour where we're going to have sex and it feels very like checklisty and no one like that's not sexy.
But if you're like, hey, for these few hours, we're going to have a sexy experience, like whatever that may be, then it kind of shifts the way that you look at it. The scheduling aspect of it. I appreciate that. Yeah.
Magda Kay: And maybe, and maybe again, this may be something that would be more needed for women because we really do not like jumping to sex from, you know, something very different, right? We need that easing into the experience. But yes, I've seen both men and women resistant to this. So that's, that's number one and then number two, and this is the big one.
What I mentioned is that The person who whose libido is lower, whose desire is lower, for [00:38:00] whatever reason they don't want to have sex as much, understand what is blocking their sexual desire and eliminate it. So in most cases this person is not getting their needs met. And some of their boundaries are being crossed.
And so the person doesn't feel safe. And so they're shutting down sexually. Like I said, in most situations, but not only, in most situations my clients that came to me with this issue, you know, had the situation that a woman didn't really want to have sex. And then he did, and he's getting frustrated, and he's kind of pressuring her. And so what happens in the situations is that women, we often feel like we give, give, give, and we're not appreciated. And so when sex is something like she doesn't really want to do, and then he wants it and he pressures her for a woman, it turns into yet another thing that is all about him. And so for women, like if you, if you like try to convince her to [00:39:00] have sex when she doesn't want to, it like, you're making things worse.
way worse. So what I always tell my couples here is look, you have to be patient where you're not getting your sexual needs met anyways. So it's not going to get worse. It's going to get progressively better, but we have to take it slowly and instead focus on what she needs to feel loved. Admired, beautiful, appreciated, seen, validated.
And when a woman feels that, her libido naturally opens up. So you're not fixing the problem of how much sex you're having. You're fixing all of the other things that make her want to pull away from you because she doesn't feel safe, essentially. Now, like I said, I've seen this the other way around as well.
I've worked with couples when a man was more shut down sexually, But again, there was some story, there was some trauma that was causing his sexuality to be closed down. So in any case, when a person, if, if this person especially if they [00:40:00] used to have more sex and now they don't, you know, something stopped working for them.
Find that, and then the desire to have sex will come back.
Kirsten Trammell: Yeah. Yeah. I love hearing that. Amazing. Okay. In thinking about everything that we've talked about today, Is there anything that you feel like we haven't addressed or that you want to add on to for every, all of the amazing men listening?
Magda Kay: Yes.
Kirsten Trammell: Perfect.
Magda Kay: I really, it's not that I believe, I am convinced, I know this as a fact, that the way our society understands sexuality is extremely limited. And we, like, when it comes to female sexuality, it's almost like we don't know anything. When it comes to male sexuality, it's We have turned, because we've turned men pretty much into like simple animals, right?
Yes or no, kind of like machines almost. And we've turned male sexuality into something similar. [00:41:00] And I would like to invite every single man to consider that your sexuality is so much more than what you're experiencing now. That your sexuality may not even be about ejaculation. That your sexuality may not have to be about an erection.
It's take your sexuality and your sex out of your genitals. Spread it through your whole body, like literally and figuratively explore more you know, when I work with men and I used to offer lingam massages, I don't do this now, I don't do as much body work, but I still will teach men practices to be able to experience this.
Like I guide men to have. a full body orgasm or energy orgasm or experience orgasmic waves without even your genitals being touched. As a man, you're so much more than what society kind of wants you to be, you know, you you're way more complex. There's so much depth in men. But again, the definition of masculinity is not giving men a lot of space to explore that.
Explore your [00:42:00] emotions. You know, I'm, I'm pretty sure you've, you've trained in this as well, but You know, you can feel angry or stressed and you can use that energy and then transmute it into orgasmic pleasure. Now, this is something that women do very often because women are very in tune with our emotions, but every human being has emotions.
It's not that only women have that. Yes, our hormones are different. We feel it more. But as a man, you have emotions. So would you ever even consider allowing yourself to feel them even more instead of suppressing and hiding them. But allow yourself to feel this anger or the fear even more and more and more.
So you can go into like full body orgasmic experience from that. So start start expanding your definition of sexuality and start merging it with your life. Like I always say, Sexuality is not a separate room in your house that you sometimes visit. Sexuality is like a floor in that house. It's the foundation of everything.[00:43:00]
Bring it in. Don't separate it. Bring it in and expand it. That's the full potential.
Kirsten Trammell: Ooh. Oh my gosh. That's so beautiful. And honestly, it, it's funny. People ask me, you know, in starting this show, they're like, why is it just like, why are you focusing on, on men? And this is one of the pieces in all of, when I was studying and learning everything about sex and intimacy, I was finding.
this so true about there's all of these spaces for women and all of this expansion for women. And I'm like, where is this for men? Because I know that it exists. And the more I learned about men, the more I recognize, Oh, this is completely available for men. And it isn't something that's as widely being shared.
So I love that you brought that up. Yes. Oh my goodness. Magda, thank you so much for being here. You're such a joy and I'm excited for everybody to, to tune in and connect with you more.
Magda Kay: Thank you so much for having me.
[00:44:00]